Drug taxes? Don’t hold your breath

Washington state’s war on drugs may be over.

Cocaine cowboys and roach-clip wranglers throughout the Everweed State are waving white flags upon learning of a West Side Republican lawmaker’s plan to make pushers pay taxes on their contraband smack, coke and pot.

“Oh, no, not taxes,” exclaimed Twitch Scabmore, president of the Spokane Valley Meth Chefs Guild.

“We surrender!”

People who can’t think outside the pill box might wonder if Tom Campbell was huffing a gasoline-soaked rag when he introduced his drug dealer tax legislation in Olympia last week.

Well, Campbell may be high – but only on inspiration.

The legislator believes making drug dealers buy tax stamps for their illegal substances will score the state some real green.

The stamps could be sold at State Dope Tax kiosks, set up for convenience near cellular phone stands and water massagers in the aisles at shopping malls. Those drug dealers dumb enough to actually buy the stamps would be pounced on immediately by armed agents hiding inside the wooden carts.

Example:

CHEECH: “Man, like, I’m here for some stamps.”

SALESCLERK: “My, that’s a colorful Bob Marley T-shirt you’re wearing, Sir. And how many dope tax stamps would you like?”

CHEECH: “Enough for the 40 pounds of killer chronic I’ve got in my micro-bus, man. Plus six medicinal joints I keep in my pocket for glaucoma.”

AGENTS (jumping out with guns): “Hands up, Ganja Guy. You’re under arrest!”

CHEECH: “Dude, that is so judgmental. You’re totally killing my buzz.”

Dopers with IQs higher than toenail fungus won’t fall for such a transparent trap, of course. But failure to buy dope tax stamps would bring even more heat.

Any “dealer, mule or user caught with untaxed drug stashes would face even greater penalties and would be obligated to pay the tax,” noted a news story.

Campbell’s bill is based on the fact that there is a force in America even more sinister than a schoolyard pusher selling crack to kindergarteners:

The tax collector.

Q.: What’s the difference between a tax collector and a carp?

A.: One’s a scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other’s a fish.

Nailing miscreants through unpaid taxes is a tried-and-true part of the United States justice system.

Chicago crime boss Al Capone, for instance, was not sent to prison because of bootlegging, prostitution or even his terrible tipping habits with Italian waiters. The feds got Capone for not paying sales tax on the Tommy guns he bought for the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

A modern example of tax prosecution is being played out today in a federal courtroom.

Richard Hatch – better known as that naked fat guy who won $1 million on the first season of “Survivor” – is being tried on charges of tax evasion as well as trying to pass himself off as someone who actually matters.

If convicted, Hatch would no longer be welcome on “Hollywood Squares.” He would then have his survival skills tested in a jail cell where naked fat guys are sold for a carton of smokes.

So, as you can see, this tax stuff is serious business.

Campbell’s plan has proposed specific dope taxes, such as: 40 cents a gram for pot stems and stalks, $3.50 a gram for pot leaves and $25 for a dozen hash brownies.

Also on the list is $5 each for one pill that makes you larger and one pill that makes you small.

There is, however, no tax on the ones that mother gives you that don’t do anything at all.

If Campbell’s bill passes, you dealers should pony up your dope taxes or stop listening to what the dormouse said:

“Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head.”