Baseball camp lets adults play like pros

You’d better sit down.

I have some bad news for you.

Ready? Here it is: You will never play pro ball.

I know, I know. It’s quite a blow. The odds really seemed to be in your favor. We all thought so.

Take heart, though. You can still continue to delude yourself – for a few days, at least – with “Hendu’s Road Trip,” a baseball extravaganza with former A’s, Red Sox and Mariners star Dave Henderson.

It’s brought to you by Spokane’s own Mike and Nancy Murphey, proprietors of a baseball fantasy camp business and (in the interest of full disclosure) regular providers of backyard barbecues and champagne brunches to yours truly.

But don’t question my objectivity. Rather, appreciate that I have done the hard, shoe-leather reporting necessary to assure you the Murpheys know how to throw a good party. And that Mike makes a mean rhubarb pie.

I’m not sure if rhubarb is on the agenda for the Oct. 27 to 30 trip to Tucson, but you probably won’t go hungry.

The $1,250-per-person price tag includes breakfast and lunch each day, a reception on Saturday and barbecue on Sunday, hotel accommodations, your own Major League uniform and cap, and instruction in hitting, pitching and fielding from Henderson, Greg Cadaret, Shooty Babitt, Michael Davis, Mark Parent and other former major leaguers.

I guess if you want to take advice from a guy named Shooty, I won’t try to stop you.

You also get five nine-inning baseball games at the Kino Sports Complex, where the White Sox and Diamondbacks hold spring training.

And, by the way, you’re not watching these games. You’re playing.

Next stop: superhero fantasy camp. Don’t forget your bath towel cape.

Register for the road trip at www.hendersonbaseball.com or (877) 993-7338.

LC excess

The only other thing going on in the entire world – if the news releases that come my way are any indication – is Lewis and Clark. Lewis and Clark. Lewis and Clark.

I’m really starting to wish they would fade off into historical obscurity with Vanilla Ice and Katherine Harris.

But up they keep popping up, and here’s the latest, just for you:

The Lewis and Clark Interpretive Association has announced the schedule for “Montana Summer Experiences 2006,” six in-depth workshops and field trips all about you-know-who.

“Forts of the Upper Missouri” leads off on July 29, a day of “fur trade era immersion,” according to the association’s brochure. A mere $60 gives you seven hours with historian Bob Doerk, visiting trading post sites and historic Fort Benton. Transportation from Great Falls is included.

On Aug. 5, “Missouri River Canoe Trip” takes off from Fort Benton and breaks for lunch at Grog Spring, a usually inaccessible spot on private land.

“We know for certain that Lewis and Clark stood there,” says Heather Scott, the interpretive association’s executive director. “And if you go on the trip, you’ll learn while they call it Grog Spring.”

The 22-mile paddle runs $80.

“Centuries of Montana” tours Ulm Pishkun State Park, the Montana Historical Society Museum in Helena and the Missouri River’s Gates of the Mountains canyon on Aug. 12. And on Aug. 19, “Saddle Up with Lewis and Clark” ventures into the mountains outside Great Falls on horseback. They’re each $75.

The last two trips provide a more hands-on experience. “Camping with the Corps,” Aug. 26 and 27, deposits you along the Missouri River with members of the Lewis and Clark Honor Guard to learn how to cook over an open fire, perform drills, make lead bullets and generally live the Lewis and Clark life.

During “1806 Blacksmithing Techniques” on Sept. 16, you’ll study the all-important pounding-on-hot-metal arts so critical to modern life. Camping costs $50 and blacksmithing, $75.

“The expedition really is a fascinating story,” Scott says. “They could have died or they could have not found their way. But there were a lot of fortunate coincidences that helped them and once people start learning about these fascinating details, they just get hooked.”

To find out more about releasing your inner Meriweather, visit www.lewisandclark.com or call (406) 452-5661.

How sweet it is

Sing praises to the mighty onion at the 22nd annual Walla Walla Sweet Onion Festival, July 14 to 16 at the Walla Walla Fairgrounds.

Oddly enough, rejoicing in onions involves wine tasting, dancing, live music, the Hells Canyon Horse Show and magic by The Magical Mr. Thumb.

There’s also a fun run, pancake breakfast (one would hope, without onions), a local art contest and (at long last, a logical tie-in) professional cooking tips and a cooking demonstration by Mike Davis, executive chef of 26brix; Jamie Guerin, executive chef of Whitehouse Crawford; and Greg Schorr, executive chef of CreekTown Café.

There’s additional information at www.sweetonions.org or (509) 525-1031.

Regional events

•Jetty Island Days, July 6-Sept. 4, Everett, Wash. The Everett Parks Department and the Port of Everett team up to provide interpretive ranger services, free ferry transportation, activities and programs. ( www.everettwa.org/default. aspx?ID=11, or 425-257-8300)

•Montana State Fair, July 28-Aug. 5, Great Falls. “American Idol” Carrie Underwood, Trace Adkins, Lee Ann Womack and others provide the musical accompaniment for the state’s biggest carnival, horse racing, rodeo events, livestock shows and food galore. ( www.montanastatefair.com/ 406-727-8900)