Spokanitize the Fourth for your protection
We’re a couple days away, I know, but let me be the first to wish all my star-spangled readers a happy Safe & Spokanitized Fourth of July!
Hey, there. Don’t be such Uncle Sam Sourpusses.
I know how you feel. I was once a fire-breathing knucklehead just like you. I couldn’t comprehend saying “Happy Birthday, America!” without blowing the neighborhood to smithereens.
But that was the old Doug. I am now a safety-minded supporter of the ban on fireworks fun in Spokane, Spokane County, Spokane Valley and all you other milk-livered municipalities.
True, as a Spokane resident much of my new and improved attitude has to do with fear.
Our Taser-toting cowboy cops killed that guy who was carrying a bottle of pop. Imagine what they’ll do to some bloke trying to set off a bottle rocket.
Repeat after me: “Fireworks are bad. Fireworks are evil. Fireworks are from the Red Devil.”
Fireworks can blow off all five of a guy’s major appendages.
Now that we have stubbed out the Fourth like a discarded Marlboro butt, we civic safety zealots can focus our loving fascist control on outlawing other community dangers, such as: idiot motor scooter riders, the Freya-Thor obstruction project, City Council meetings, Bobby Brett, toxic smug Inlander editorials, and certain medications that might cause erections to persist more than six hours (not that I have any firsthand knowledge).
I do miss those carefree days of smoke bombs, Roman candles and tossing fragment grenades into random mailboxes.
But a no-fireworks Fourth doesn’t have to be a total fizzle. Using a little Martha Stewart jailhouse imagination, I’ve come up with several perfectly legal alternative ways to celebrate.
Festive fountains of foam
Arm the family with multiple cans of berry, cola and lemon-lime diet soda and get ready for a gravity defying spectacle. Shake those cans vigorously. Then – at the count of three – everyone release the pop tops.
Watch as geysers of sugarless soda shoot literally tens of inches into the sky.
Wheee!
WARNING: Exposure to artificial sweeteners can cause cancerous boils, which may lead to a prolonged and agonizing death.
Bubble bombs over Baghdad
Afraid to make noise?
Well, there’s no law against popping bubble wrap – yet. Hand out sheets of the clear plastic pillows. It only takes a second to show the kiddies how a firm pinch will snappa-snappa that wrappa.
Hey, did somebody just start a war?
(Don’t forget the ear plugs.)
WARNING: Prolonged bubble wrap snappage can cause blisters, which, if infected with flesh-eating bacteria, may lead to multiple amputations, painful skin grafts and hideous, Elephant Man-like disfigurement.
Porchlights on parade
No Fourth of July is complete without a light show.
So assemble the family in lawn chairs facing the front porch. Have dad stand behind the door with his finger on the light switch.
Turn on a stirring anthem like Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an Armenian” and switch the porch light in time to the music.
You’d have to be a Commie not to “ooh” and “ahh” in wonder.
WARNING: Switch toggling can create an electrical arc, which could set your home on fire, burn up your irreplaceable heirlooms and charbroil the housecat.
Aw, who am I kidding? This Safe & Spokanitized Fourth is a damnable dud.
I say we all head out to one of the fireworks-friendly communities, and start some fires or explode something.
Don’t blame me when you lose an appendage.
WARNING: Direct contact with Doug Clark at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com may cause frustration, annoyance or contempt that can lead to canceling your subscription.