Older son rebels

SENSE & SENSITIVITY

Dear Harriette: My sons are ages 8 and 11. I allow my 8-year-old to do certain things I won’t allow the 11-year-old to do because the younger boy has demonstrated the ability to be very responsible. He has his own child computer and desk area, while I make my 11-year-old share with us, his parents. My 11-year-old is a carefree and sloppy spirit. We take turns in the workspace, and he always leaves a mess. My 11-year-old is beginning to resent his little brother, who handles his workspace very well. I know I’m causing a rift between the two. I was hoping my 11-year-old would see that a sense of responsibility brings more things. However, he has simply become more ingrained in his entitlement. They share a room, and he keeps his side really messy now, and I know he does it on purpose. I want to make this all work out, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to take anything from my 8-year-old, but my 11-year-old is still not ready for certain things. What should I do? — Cynthia, Dallas, Texas

Dear Cynthia: As the middle of three girls, I remember feeling slighted and bewildered if my younger sister enjoyed more privileges, no matter the reason.

Punishing your older child for his sloppiness and immaturity seems to be contributing to his rebellion. Since your strategy is not working, why not attempt a new one? Give the 11-year-old his own desk area and computer. Encourage him to take care of his belongings. Stop comparing him to anyone, especially his younger brother. Celebrate his successes. And learn to accept he may never be as neat as you want him to be. Your acknowledgement of his potential may inspire him to mature in unforeseen ways.