The date was May 25, 2006. The place: Spokane, Washington.

At first I thought it was a Doug Clark column. But there was no sign of the omnipresent bespectacled humorist.

Then, as I sat there in disbelief, I realized my eyes were not guilty of deceit; the publishers of the other regional newspaper were.

“Is it … it can’t be … I don’t believe it!” I said to myself. Sorry amigo, it’s true. A United States newspaper – an Inland Northwest publication nonetheless – ran a story in Sp … Sp … Sp … Spanish! What a bunch of mierda del toro! (Look it up).

For those of you who have trouble understanding my writing, check out the article titled “Visita de Fox trae esperanza, desilusion” on page 6 of the Spokane-based paper. You may think my language is foul, but a foreign language is completely out of bounds. What’s next, NBA coverage written in Ebonics?

There I am, reading the newspaper, trying to keep up on Mexican President Vicente Fox’s visit to the Western United States, and BAM! All of a sudden I don’t habla.

On Wednesday night I’d drifted off to sleep dreaming of all things American: Mom, baseball, apple pie, and the ability to read the daily paper cover to cover. Thursday morning I woke up into a nightmare existence of World Cup Soccer on ESPN Deportes, flan and illiteracy. Where’s my mommy? Oh, I’m sorry. Donde esta mi madre?

It’s kind of cute when the waitresses at Toro Viejo struggle with your pollo en mole enchilada order. It’s downright ugly when an English newspaper publishes articles in Spanish.

You wanna publish articles in Spanish? Here’s an idea: PUBLISH A FREAKIN’ SPANISH NEWSPAPER!

I know I’m a racist for only speaking English, but the language has served me well here in America. In fact, as intolerant as it may sound, I understand people a lot better when they speak to me in English. I remember this one time when I was having a conversation with another American citizen; without even thinking about it, we both just started speaking English to each other. It was weird.

Note to the publishers of the Spokane-based rag: If I want to be immersed in the Spanish language, I can take a class at NIC, go on vacation to Puerto Vallarta or catch a baseball game at Dodger Stadium.

But when it comes to my local news, I’d prefer it if you used the same language they used to write the U.S. Constitution. Is that too much to ask?

If you don’t think this Snide Remarks column is very funny, you’re right. It’s disturbing. Do you still think Californians – not illegal aliens – are a greater threat to North Idaho?