Intimacy clouds his judgment

Dear Harriette: My girlfriend walked out on me right before Valentine’s Day. Her excuse: “I need time and space, and I want to do my own thing.” She is married but not living with her husband. Our relationship started as friends, but there was always chemistry between us. Last year, we started having sex on a daily basis. I thought, because she was married, the attachment was simply based on sex. She thought otherwise and continued to take the relationship deeper. I went with it. She asked me if this was more than sex. I said yes. Feelings developed, and soon we were a couple until that day in February when she left. I last spoke to her in April, and our conversation got ugly before we eventually settled it. I’m 26, and she is 31. I’ve known her for a couple of years, and, even though we’ve been friends, there has always been something deeper there.

Anyway, I want to move on with my life, but my heart weighs me down. I’d be kidding myself if I said I didn’t want her back because I do, and, yes, I understand her situation. When she left, I remember her saying maybe we could give it another shot down the line. What should I do? Do I bury my feelings, move on and hope to never see her again, or make one last run at her? I need to know what to do. I don’t want to fight with myself anymore. — Jose, New York, N.Y.

Jose: Accept reality. She was never completely available to you, and now she is gone. You weren’t duped. You went into the relationship knowing she was married and recently separated. She was not ready to be emotionally involved with you. Unfortunately, sexual intimacy clouded your understanding of how solid the relationship was — a common problem for people today.

Yes, it hurts, but you should stay away from her. That relationship was not, and is not, a healthy one for you to pursue. Figure out what you really want, and look for that instead. And don’t be quick to jump in bed. Get to know a potential partner first.