Harriette Cole: Communication must improve

Wed., June 14, 2006

Harriette Cole United Feature Syndicate

Dear Harriette: I was just wondering if this is considered cheating and if I did the right thing. My girlfriend and I have been going out for two years, and we seem to make each other happy. As life goes on, challenges come, and, lately, it has been really frustrating. I share my feelings, and she shares hers, so communication is there. However, we got into a huge argument again and are not on really good terms.

On the day of the fight, I felt suspicious about something. I discovered she posted an online ad in the women-looking-for-men section on the very day we fought. I pretended to be someone else and e-mailed her just to make sure. She sent me her picture, and it was her! So I confronted her the next day, and things got ugly. She claimed she only did it to seek advice from men. Her reason for doing it was so men would actually reply. She said if she posted an ad asking for advice, nobody would write back. I argued it was cheating, but she denied it. Then she called me shady, secretive and deceitful for pretending to be someone else and tricking her! I’m hurt and angry at this whole situation. Who is at fault here? — Michael, New York, N.Y.

Michael: Your level of communication is not as healthy as you thought. Even if your girlfriend was telling the truth, it means she didn’t trust that she could gain wisdom talking to you. She believed support from male strangers would be better.

Stop bickering and express how you feel about her and what you want in your relationship. Ask if she wants to work together to iron out the problems. If so, talk out your feelings without being accusatory. Discuss how you envision life together. Let this proactive conversation determine whether the unraveling of your relationship, which led to her online listing, can be reversed, or whether it’s time to move on.

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