Keeping you abreast is my solemn duty
Talk about getting busted. A Spokane woman was jailed last week on charges she pilfered thousands of dollars from her employer to get her breasts enlarged.
And did any of you people actually think I could let a story of such magnitude bounce away without giving it the sophomoric analysis it so deserves?
Not on your bongos, Batman!
From the second I saw the headline (“Police say theft paid for breast surgery”) I knew I had to gawk at this crime caper as it continues to develop.
This isn’t a crime story. This is “Dr. 90210” meets “Boston Legal” meets “Desperate Housewives.” And I am not alone in my juvenile preoccupation, either.
One of the area’s leading legal scholars – namely this guy named Jim C. who sends me e-mails – is convinced this could be the area’s first rack-ateering case.
Not so fast, Jimbo. We live in America, the most breast-obsessed country on Earth. You want facts? I’ll give you two: Anna Nicole Smith.
But no matter how impressively endowed a co-worker may suddenly become, remember that he or she is still considered innocent until proven guilty. Allow me to uncover a few pertinent points.
According to our story by John Craig, the accused – Jerri Ann Cozza – allegedly stole her boss’s identity, money, credit cards and a payroll check last year while working for Liberty Lake Medical Supply. A police officer’s report claimed Cozza absconded with $12,734 for breast implants and some other stuff not nearly so titillating.
If Cozza were a diva she’d be Saline Dion.
COLUMN INTERRUPTION – Speaking of boobs behind bars, we pause from today’s juggernaut of a topic to give a birthday shout-out to Spokane’s foremost felon.
Eddie Ray Hall turns 42 on May 22.
I’d send Eddie Ray monogrammed orange prison coveralls if E.R.H. hadn’t already gotten his birthday present.
Despite 50-plus arrests and felony convictions in double-figures … Despite draining the taxpayers of well over $1 million in a lifelong criminal career … Despite recently pleading guilty to bail jumping, drug possession and possessing stolen property …
Eddie Ray was given wimpy concurrent sentences that (counting time served and the usual prison stay reduction baloney) will have him back prowling our homes before you can say “Hey, what happened to our stereo?”
So let us sing.
Happy birthday, to you.
Happy birthday, to you.
You screwed us, dear Edd-eee…
But that’s nothing new.
Returning to our subjects at hand, I kinda know how Cozza must feel. When I was little, I attempted to steal a toy periscope by jamming it under my sweatshirt. I didn’t make it five feet before an angry store manager hollered out something like: “What’s that little thief got under his shirt?”
If Cozza were a pop star she’d be Chestica Simpson.
As noted earlier, I haven’t a clue whether this woman expanded her assets under falsie pretenses. But for purposes of further infantile speculation let’s say she did what they say.
Would Cozza be sentenced to the Stateline Showgirls and forced to work off her ill-gotten implants on the brass stripper pole? Or as Jim C. suggested, would she just go to prison and “be housed in Cell Block 44-D?”
If Cozza were a journalist she’d be Boobara Walters.
Whatever the outcome, the trial should be a hoot. I can’t wait to hear that line Raymond Burr made famous on the old “Perry Mason” TV show.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury – the defense breasts.”