Catchphrase contest will get you in the Christmas spirit

Everybody’s gone catchphrase crazy.

First a pack of boosters dump Spokane’s Lilac City identity in favor of “Near Nature. Near Perfect.”

Then Seattle adopts “metronatural” as its new civic trademark. Now Wenatchee – that orchard-rich outpost to the west – has succumbed.

No longer will Wenatchee be the proud “Apple Capital of the World.” The city has changed its municipal moniker to …

“Wenatchee. Meeting Rivers. Meeting Friends. Meeting Needs.”

That’s not a catchphrase. That’s the title of a quarterly business report.

One thing is perfectly clear, however.

It’s high time my column had a snappy slogan, too.

And so today I give you the Clark Column Catchphrase for Christmas Cash Contest.

The rules are so simple nobody but a Spokane County commissioner could screw it up.

1. Create the cleverest catchphrase for my column.

2. Win $100 in actual American money!

As a bonus, the winning tagline will be printed on my new batch of Spokesman-Review business cards.

Think of the fame. Your sloganeering genius will live on as I hand my cards out to elected officials, interview subjects, my bookie, my bail bondsman, strip club bouncers …

But wait. There’s more.

A $50 prize will be awarded to the runner-up. Third place wins $25.

Don’t worry about being paid. My editor gave his word that he would bankroll the contest.

It’s amazing how cooperative a guy gets when you threaten to post snapshots of him wearing a strapless pink evening gown on the Internet.

Oh, yeah, one other thing: All entries must stay within the standards of printable decency.

Here are a few Clark column catchphrase samples to get you started:

“The bestiality song – and more.

“All for the children.

“Wake up and scratch it.

“A Spokane cop’s best friend.

“Whataya want for 50 cents? ($1.50 on Sundays.)

I’m counting on you to do better. In fact, I’m betting you can outdo Seattle without breaking a sweat.

Metronatural, according to the reports, was the end result of a 16-month, $200,000 brainstorming effort by the Seattle Convention and Visitors Bureau.

These people must have been smoking crack.

Metronatural sounds like the brand name on a vegetarian Thanksgiving tofurkey.

Wenatchee’s new slogan isn’t nearly as weird, thank goodness.

Coeur d’Alene artist Dave Clemons created the slogan and the sculptures he placed it on. But I don’t think he thought it through when he came up with “Meeting Rivers. Meeting Friends. Meeting Needs.”

His heart was in the right place. But using the word “meeting” three times in one slogan sends out a negative subliminal vibe.

The last thing a tourist wants to do is try to relax in a place that keeps reminding him of meetings.

So get your creative juices flowing. Send me your catchphrase contributions via the information listed below. As with all my contests, submissions will be celebrated in a future column.

My sweet 84-year-old mom expressed a bit of motherly alarm when I told her what I was doing. “They might write bad, bad things,” she warned, referring to the tone of some of the letters to the editor I receive.

“They might say, ‘You’re a pile of (bleep!)’ “

Thanks, ma. I’ll count that as the first official entry.