What? Not one NFL ref a lawyer?

In response to overwhelming reader requests, Couch Slouch has just completed the first comprehensive study of NFL officials. Here are the findings:

Before we get started, I must confess the spiritual catalyst for this officiating treatise occurred Jan. 19, 2002, when referee Walt Coleman changed the course of NFL history with his “tuck rule” reversal that launched Tom Brady and the New England Patriots to three Super Bowl titles in four seasons.

(Tuck rule? Please. IT WAS A FUMBLE.)

That aside, I began this research project as a huge fan of NFL officials. Like the U.S. Postal Service, an NFL crew, I believe, is overworked and underappreciated. The mail usually gets from here to there and NFL officials usually get it right.

Among 116 NFL officials, there are 17 referees. Referees largely fall into three categories:

•Educators. Ron Winter, university professor; Tony Corrente, high school teacher; Pete Morelli, high school principal; Gerry Austin, former school administrator; and Larry Nemmers, former principal.

•Business owners. Coleman operates Coleman Dairy, Mike Carey runs a ski apparel company and Gene Steratore co-owns a supply company.

•Body-building attorneys. I speak, of course, of Ed Hochuli, a k a “Guns,” who spends more time in a weight room than a dumbbell.

Hochuli is a rock star among refs, though I’ll still take Red Cashion and a Rolling Rock on any given Sunday –well, that’s when I was still drinking Rolling Rock. Hochuli doesn’t officiate games, he adjudicates them. He can turn false starts into Felony 2. And when he comes out from under the hood and reverses a call, he orates a decision like he’s handing down Brown v. Board of Education.

(Column intermission: So the 49ers’ Mike Nolan and the Jaguars’ Jack Del Rio decided that coaching in suit-and-tie is sideline-savvy. What’s next, Andy Reid in a cummerbund and cufflinks? Plus, shouldn’t these fellas put the red challenge flag in the jacket’s breast pocket?)

Anyway, our exhaustive study uncovered a number of irregularities:

1. Nearly 14 percent of all NFL officials graduated from California universities. This includes two from UC Riverside, two from Cal State Fullerton and three from San Jose State. What, San Jose State suddenly is the cradle of democracy? Hey, I live in the Golden State, and I don’t trust anybody here to rule on anything anytime anywhere.

Note: For the purposes of this report, only undergraduate schooling was considered, partly because we did not have access to all information on graduate schooling and partly because people routinely lie about their background. Hochuli, for instance, was hired mainly due to the fact that he listed “Supreme Court Justice, 1972-86” on his resume.

2. Don’t all the great lawyers and judges come from Harvard and Yale? Yet not a single Harvard or Yale grad is an NFL official; rather, just one side judge from Princeton and one back judge from Dartmouth. Heck, Dartmouth’s no more than DeVry with pine trees. It’s time for the league to recruit officials from upper-echelon Ivy League institutions.

3. Rookie referee Steratore works on the same crew as brother Tom, who is a back judge. I didn’t like it when JFK was president and RFK was his attorney general and I don’t like this sibling power play, either. This is almost as bad as when a couple of those Baldwin brothers do a movie together.

4. There are no women among the 116 NFL officials. From personal experience – and I have been dealing with female types since my infant days – women tend to make better decisions than men, particularly when it’s not their money.

Upon further review, our study concluded that NFL officials are more necessary than evil. For example, as time expired on the Chargers’ 35-27 victory over the Broncos last week on NBC, there was confusion. Referee Bill Carollo quickly sorted it out, switched on his microphone and announced, “That’s the end of the game.”

How else would we know?

Ask The Slouch

Q. Are you taking sides in the NFL Network-Time Warner Cable dispute? (Ellen Waldorf; Fort Lee, N.J.)

A. Only the NFL can turn Time Warner Cable into an underdog victim. The league shifted several games onto its NFL Network, then tried to foist an exorbitant fee hike onto cable systems. Some said no. NFL Network has taken out full-page newspaper ads that make you think Time Warner is building a nuclear bomb. Eventually it will all work out, meaning cable subscribers will pay a lot more to listen to Bryant Gumbel pretend he gives a damn about the NFL.

Q. Two John Fogerty NFL halftime shows on a single Thanksgiving? (David Bruce; Houston)

A. Bon Jovi doesn’t work holidays.

Q. Has President Bush assigned the task of protecting first daughter Barbara to Bruce Coslet? (Scott D. Shuster; Watertown, Mass.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.