Lynch case: There’s one for Clarnak
Greetings, mere mortals.
Today, I suspend my usual duties to come to you as …
Clarnak the Omniscient.
I will use my powers of prestidigitation to compound the troubling rumors swirling around Spokane Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch.
Clarnak already knows what you’re thinking, naturally.
You’re thinking this is merely a shameless rip-off of Johnny Carson’s old “Carnac the Magnificent” routine.
You know: The bit where Johnny donned a giant swami hat and then predicted answers to questions contained in a sealed envelope while Ed McMahon sat there and tittered like a boozed-up oaf.
Well, to you skeptics and disbelievers I say…
May a diseased ferret scamper up your trousers and get to know you in a biblical sense.
Unlike old “Tonight Show” theatrics, Clarnak’s mentalist powers are REAL.
And thank goodness.
Because Spokane needs the ugly glare of truth shed on the bizarre Jack Lynch developments that include:
“Vehicles registered to the deputy mayor being spotted at a woody area known for public sex and drug use.
“A suspicious black eye and facial bruises that Lynch blamed on a bicycle-related mishap.
“Lynch’s sudden City Hall disappearance due to some vague and unexplained medical leave.
In short, nobody knows what the hell is going on.
Spokane Mayor Dennis Hession is clueless. (There’s a shocker.) The City Council is clueless. (Ditto.)
Sure, maybe some of the dog walkers, joggers or shady characters who fiddle around with each other in the bushes at High Bridge Park know something. But they’re not talking.
And so we don’t know Jack.
Which is ridiculous because we pay this bozo $134,494 a year!
I’m sorry. The deputy mayor leaves Clarnak the Omniscient no choice.
I must now attempt to divine the truth by first cogitating on answers that have been safely stored in one of the many empty Cinnabon boxes cluttering the rear seat of City Councilman Brad Stark’s car.
So let us begin:
1. Yellowstone. Glacier. High Bridge.
Name three parks where a deputy mayor can revel in the wildlife.
2. A kumquat. A Sasquatch. A Lynch watch.
What are a fruit, a brute and a pursuit?
3. Phil Jackson’s hip. Deputy Mayor Lynch.
Two worn out items that need replacing.
4. A bat. A mole. A worm.
Three creatures that are less in the dark than Mayor Hession.
5. The mutt with the saucer-sized shiner on Target TV commercials.
Yet another tragic bike accident victim.
6. Crack, smack and shellacked.
Hey, they don’t call it “High” Bridge Park for nothing.
7. An episode of “Lost.”
Something more believable than Lynch’s black-eye bicycle spill story.
8. Mel Gibson. Nicole Richie. Jack Lynch.
Banished, famished and vanished.
9. A simple majority.
The IQ of the Spokane City Council.
10. Jack Lynch’s High Bridge Park cop-checking excuse. And spinach.
Two items the public would be bloody foolish to swallow.
11. A Mercedes. A really high-class hooker. A judge.
Better things you can buy with $134,494.
12. RPS parking garage drops. Taser-crazed cops. Spokane mayoral flops.
More and more reasons to move to the Valley.
13. First Jim West – now Jack Lynch.
Spokesman-Review vampires’ latest City Hall blood donor.