Beware the Jerk List
Say so long to cell phone yakkers, serial sidewalk spitters and all the other lamebrains who get in our way.
Today I will unveil the results of my Jerk List contest with free DVD copies of Steve Martin’s “The Jerk” going to the top three submitters.
But first a smidgen of background: America’s population is about to hit the 300 million mark.
It’s getting so crowded around here that you have to book High Bridge Park two weeks in advance for casual sex in the brambles. So to rectify overcrowding I came up with a brilliant plan: Send the idiots who annoy us to Canada.
Being a democratic guy, I asked for help, and in came a stack of nominees. So here are the Jerk List winners and notables along with a selection of their most deserving deportees. (Submissions may have been edited for purposes of obfuscation or to remove redundant references to congressmen and their significant animal kingdom “companions.”)
First place – Ted Anderson.
“Politicians who get caught doing something illegal/immoral and then blame their childhood, addictions or the media.
“People who wear camouflage clothing but don’t hunt and have never served in the military.
“Drivers who take up two spaces when mooring their oversized rides.
“Costco shoppers who can’t locate their store membership cards when they get to the head of the checkout line.
Second place – Kevin Watkins.
“”People who, like, say the word ‘like’ unless they’re using it as a verb or in a simile.”
“Nose pickers.
“People who don’t silence cell phones during funerals or concerts.
“Anyone who would leave a dog (or any other mammal) locked inside a car during summer.
Third place – Kathy Nooner.
“Cell phone users who: A) also fix their hair/makeup while driving, or B) carry on loud, annoying conversations within earshot of the listening public.
“Phony, syrupy sweet employees who ooze insincerity.
“People in Costco who hog out on food samples, blocking the aisles and being oblivious to anyone who might actually be there to shop.
“Those who wander along in the middle of a crowded event (Bloomsday, Hoopfest …) and then come to a dead halt, causing a human pileup behind them.
Although not in the running for a prize, a handful of Jerk List submitters are worthy of honorable mentions.
Witty Annie Zeck, for example, appears to have a one-track mind. But I have often shared her sentiments. Zeck would get rid of:
“”People who put an apostrophe in simple plurals, like ‘Onion’s for sale.’ “
“”People who put an apostrophe in ‘its’ when it’s not appropriate.”
“”People who don’t know what an apostrophe is.”
The George Gregory vision of depopulating America involves ridding the nation of – gasp – journalists.
At least he didn’t say columnists.
“What does a paper get you besides a crummy feeling about life and the world we live in, anyway,” Gregory wrote. “Ah, I yearn for the days when I couldn’t read. Course there was only about 1.5 million people in the U.S. then so it wasn’t nearly as crowded.”
Dave Spilker wants to give the boot to “preachy vegetarians” and “bozos who use the phrase ‘weighing in’ to describe something NOT happening before a boxing match.”
“Jeanne Ash would send packing anyone who uses the phrase “déjÀ vu all over again.”
“Jeanne Ash would send packing anyone who uses the phrase “déjÀ vu all over again.”
Laverne Moody picked another one of my favorite pet peeves: store clerks who, when told “thank you,” immediately respond with “no problem.”
Plus, our circulation department will be thrilled to know that Moody also wants to expel thieves who pilfer papers out of news boxes.
I’m feeling so much better now. And I promise you this: I won’t cease thinning the human herd of social infidels until America is jerk-free and there is no more room in Saskatoon.