What will my peeps behind bars do without me?
The key masters at Spokane’s Handcuff Hotel have decided to end the noble tradition of buying dozens of daily copies of this fine newspaper for inmates.
This is an even bigger affront to free speech than the Bob Caruso/Steve Tucker prosecutorial candidate debates.
(Caruso – My opponent is an ineffective, pedophile-protecting weasel who spends more time swinging a 9-iron than appearing in court.
Tucker – Oh, yeah? Well, my opponent is a legal hack who tells racist jokes and files lawsuits that aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.)
Getting back to the Spokane County Jail … This cruel decision, according to a news story, came after a honcho from the jailers union complained that The Spokesman-Review posed a “security risk.”
Security risk?
I’ll tell you what’s at risk here, pal.
The security of MY paycheck!
Are you aware there’s a national decline in newspaper readership going on?
It’s essentially a math problem:
A. Aging newspaper readers are dropping faster than Republican approval numbers.
B. The young don’t read. Well, a few of them still do. But those are just poor teenage House pages getting lewd and lurid messages from that Mark Foley creep.
The point is that S-R circulation is bleeding more than the last 10 minutes of “The Departed.”
If we lose many more subscribers, I’ll be out of a job. And by now it should be very obvious to the entire region that I don’t have any other marketable skills.
Supplying jailbirds with free journalism is an act of social compassion.
Besides shower sex and knuckle tattooing, there’s not a lot to do in the joint. Inmates need the intellectual stimulation that Hints from Heloise and working on the Jumble can bring.
Reading the paper also allows the incarcerated to keep up on the latest developments in local law enforcement.
Page 1 news example: “A woman coerced into exposing herself to a Washington State Patrol trooper was legally drunk when he let her drive away, investigative reports say.”
The way some local law enforcers have behaved, the jail may have to create a special Crooked Cops Containment Wing.
But there’s another, far more important, reason to continue buying The Spokesman-Review for inmates.
These are my peeps.
Yes, I receive mail all the time from the cell-bound.
Two letters, in fact, arrived this week from inmates responding to my Jerk List deportation contest.
Dean complained about meth-using “tweakers” who dismantle his belongings in fits of dope-fueled energy. “… I’ll be reading and looking forward to your column,” Dean added.
Cab Driver Jimmy, another man marking time, opened his letter with a hearty, “How the hell are you?”
After that, he rambled on affably about getting arrested for meth when he actually possessed heroin. Har!
“My release date is 3/7/07, my 36th birthday,” he added. “So if you are game, let’s party on my B-day. I’ll show you the underbelly of good ol’ Spokangelas.”
Fans like this don’t grow on trees.
It’s more like they crawl out of crack pipes.
But the Spokane County Jail staff should take heed. Reading my column is obviously a vital part of inmate rehabilitation.
True, cons are free to buy their own copies of the newspaper.
But be realistic. These people are locked up. Their income from selling crank or stealing cars has been cut off. What little money they have must go for essentials. Toilet tank wine, say. Or bribing guards.
As a humanitarian act of self-interest, I will purchase a three-month newspaper subscription and have it mailed to Cab Driver Jimmy’s jailhouse floor.
Happy early birthday, Jimmy.
And, please, when you get out – stay the hell away from me.