The season for early sunsets and the windbag’s revenge
Fall is such a depressing time of year. The leaves tumble and crumble, the flowers wither and all that excitement we had about Katie Couric now just looks foolish.
To celebrate this season of decay and discontent, I bring you another installment of Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag. This is the irregular forum that allows my adoring fans to publish their instant messages without fear of being identified, verified or run out of Congress on a rail.
This poetry is perverse
Speaking of Mark Foley, reader Tom submitted the following poem about the disgraced Republican:
When a congressman e-mailed a page,
His parents flew into a rage.
If the speaker of the House,
Can’t get rid of this louse,
Then why should we pay for his wage?
Not bad. But being a literary sophisticate, I prefer my poetry to be more like that of Yeats:
Roses are red. Violets are blue.
If Foley hit on my kid,
I’d crush his skull with a shovel.
How harebrained can you get?
Annie, like my editors, expects way too much of me.
“There’s enough shenanigans going on in Spokane now for you to do a column every day!” she writes. “Or maybe a TV show – I see you as a sort of male Nancy Grace but with better hair.”
Look, lady, if I had a work ethic I would have moved on to a more demanding job (highway flagging, say) years ago.
As for my hair, well, there’s a reason I wear a ballcap in my column photograph and it ain’t to block the sun.
A cash flow runs through us
Bret suspects there is only one naked motive behind the plan to raise Spokane water rates:
“They just want to make more money.”
Some people are so cynical. The fact is our water rates are tied to the overall skyrocketing costs of city government. You know, pumping human waste into the Spokane River, paying off police brutality claims, High Bridge Park cover-ups and unexplained deputy mayor medical bills.
Thin blue (haired) line
Mark reports the following sight at an area Spokane Valley intersection:
A snow-haired little old lady sitting behind the wheel of an actual police car.
He considered calling the Police Department to ask if they were missing a prowl car. Instead, he decided that his civic responsibility began and ended with e-mailing me.
Smart move, Mark. My sources tell me the cruiser wasn’t stolen.
Grannie is actually part of the department’s new Undercover Geezer Squad.
You’ve heard of NYPD Blue? Welcome to AARP Gray.
Cuz we be stoopid
Spokane recently received national attention for having gasoline prices higher than movie popcorn.
So Dennis asks:
“Why is we Spokies bein’ hosed at the gas pumps?”
Try the Brad Stark Waffle
“An anonymous source has confirmed that a local sandwich shop is contemplating offering the new Mayor Dennis Hession Sandwich – mashed potatoes on white bread,” notes Tom.
Yessir! And on the same menu will be a Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch clubbed sandwich with a side of black-eyed peas.
We call it law enfarcement
Donald offers the following transcript he claims is a secretly recorded conversation between two Spokane police officers:
Cop 1 – “Watch it. He has a razor!”
Cop 2 – “Just Taser him. It isn’t plugged in.”
They want me for target practice
“Just curious,” asks Steve. When entering a room full of Spokane police, “do you get a lot of pointing and whispers?”
I do hear a whisper whenever I get around cops, Steve.
But it’s the soft, silky sound of weapons being drawn.