Legal love: Lawyer gets wild at Qwest Field
Call me a fundamentalist fuddy-duddy. But I believe sex should be the way The Almighty and the Republicans intended.
And that is…
One man. One woman. In one toilet stall.
Sadly, we live in an age when family values are routinely ridiculed. And now lavatory love is under attack.
“A Thurston County deputy prosecutor found himself on the wrong side of the law Sunday after police said he was caught in a women’s restroom at Qwest Field having sex,” reads a Seattle Post-Intelligencer story published Wednesday.
The message this sends the Spokane area is obvious. We will never attract a higher caliber of county prosecutor candidates until we get a fancy football stadium with convenient, sex-friendly bathrooms.
The Seattle Times identified the restroom romancer as 39-year-old William Halstead. The still-unnamed woman is apparently a paralegal who has worked eight years in the Thurston County prosecutor’s office.
I hope these two used protection. No matter how clean a commode might seem, those handy paper seat-rings are the only barrier between you and all the others who sexed up the toilet stall ahead of you.
You can’t blame anyone for seeking a Qwest Field diversion last Sunday. I only saw the highlights of the Minnesota Vikings’ 31-13 shellacking of the Seahawks, and I felt violated.
Halstead said he wasn’t doing the wild thing. He said he was just using the facilities.
So that’s what they’re calling it these days.
Seriously, Halstead is a recognized expert in prosecuting negligent homicides and reconstructing accidents. You’d think such a courtroom brainiac could come up with a more believable scenario than “I was going to the bathroom.”
As a sheriff’s sergeant noted skeptically in the Times story, “So why is he using it with another woman in the stall?”
Halstead could have told the cops that he and his co-worker were engaging in valid legal work.
Dictation, for example.
Hey, could this be what Seattle’s new “metronatural” slogan is all about?
Nobody really has a clue what it means. Scoring in a stadium crapper sounds about right.
Poor Halstead was arrested on suspicion of obstructing and trespassing.
Ed Holm, the Thurston County prosecutor, told the Times that Halstead had “been put on notice that there will be discipline.”
Oh, great. Now we’re going to get spanking into this.
The one troubling aspect is that Halstead is taking all the heat. The alleged honey bucket honey seems to be skating out of trouble.
Not that I have any personal experience (nor would I admit it if I did), but it’s pretty safe to say that a loo rendezvous is a collaborative effort.
Truly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It wasn’t so long ago that a dude died on the West Side after a sexual encounter with a horse. As far as I know, there was no livestock involved in the Qwest Field affair.
That, my friends, is moral progress.
This just sounds more like a simple case of old-fashioned attraction:
Lawyer likes gal. Gal likes lawyer.
Lawyer says, “Hey, baby, would you like to adjourn into the powder room and examine my legal briefs?”
That reminds me of an old joke.
DOCTOR: “The tests are in. You have a venereal disease.”
YOUNG MAN: “A venereal disease? Could I have caught it on a toilet seat?”
DOCTOR: “Yes. But it would have been quite uncomfortable.”
The point is that there’s barely enough room for graffiti in a restroom sanctuary.
Someone, maybe Halstead, should author a manual depicting all the ways a consenting man and woman can experience the passion of the porcelain inside a cramped toilet stall.
You could call it the Kama Seatra.