Mail-in ballots killed election night drama

Election nights used to provide such wonderful theater.

Candidates and their cronies would hunker down at various locations all over town, emotions swelling and sinking for hour upon hour as voter returns trickled in. Anguished shrieks. Gleeful hoots. Sweat-stained twitchy Maalox-chugging campaign managers …

I get misty just thinking of the good times.

But I discovered something dreadful while covering the Spokane County sheriff’s primary race Tuesday night. Our new mail-in voting system has drained the drama out of election nights like a hungry vampire clamped onto a virginal neck vein.

No more drip, drip water-torture demise for losers.

No more drawn-out party hearty revelry for winners.

Ballot numbers are now officially regurgitated in one inarguable lump sum shortly after 8 p.m.

This is like shooting off all the Fourth of July fireworks in one blast.

This is like opening every present at once on Christmas morn.

Where’s the joy? Where’s the anticipation?

Where’s the fun for Doug?

I’m not the one who suffers the most from this method. That dubious distinction goes to barkeeps and saloon owners.

Losing and winning are alcohol’s handmaidens – everybody knows that. And few events tend to boost a bar’s bottom line like a protracted election night.

What a shame. First we kick cigarettes out of bars. Now we deliver this crippling blow to the retail hooch industry.

I’m just whining on general principle, of course.

From what I saw on Tuesday night, neither camp in the Republican primary sheriff’s race looked like drinkers to me.

By now everybody knows Ozzie Knezovich delivered the big hurt on his opponent, Cal Walker. As of Wednesday afternoon the chasm separating these two was 22,717 to 13,760.

Ozzie’s win is expected to hold. If it doesn’t, I’ll run naked down Riverside singing selections from the latest Clay Aiken album.

Ozzie was appointed sheriff by county commissioners last spring. This happened despite retiring Sheriff Mark Sterk recommending Cal as his heir apparent.

This Machiavellian scenario made for a delightfully contentious primary race.

COLUMN INTERR-UPTION: Spokane County Assessor Ralph Baker continues to hold a “slim” lead over challenger Brad Stark. Oh. And Baker’s ahead in votes, too.

Yet before returns were released on Tuesday, both the Ozzie and the Cal enclaves were percolating with confidence.

The Ozzie crowd assembled on the main floor of the posh Hotel Lusso. I thought I heard someone say there was pork to eat. Unfortunately, the crowd was too large for me to get to it.

So I walked over to Rock City Grill where the Walker troops were embedded.

This gathering had more of a tailgate party atmosphere. There were balloons and signs and just about everyone was wearing gold foil “Cal Walker for Sheriff” badges.

Everybody was having a blast – until the voting figures popped up on a projected screen.

All of a sudden the room’s mood changed from tailgate to somber wake.

Walker took the microphone. He was very classy in defeat, telling everybody that he was proud of them and that he loved them.

Somebody suggested that God’s will had been done.

God does work in mysterious ways. On this occasion He apparently wanted Cal’s ass kicked.

I decided to wander back to the Hotel Lusso. I still didn’t score any pork, but the crowd was understandably a whole lot more chipper.

Sheriff Ozzie shook my hand. I congratulated him for his primary win, which should translate into a general election victory in November.

Ozzie strikes me as a fine man. He even made me feel like he could tolerate working with a guy like me.

Of course, I’ve been sweet-talked by politicians before. All my relationships with elected officials start out the same way only to disintegrate like Nick and Jessica’s marriage into name calling and vile accusations.

At least there are some things in life you can count on.