Couch Slouch lightens wallet
We make it, they take it; I’m tired of that system. Of course, I speak of Uncle Sam and Ticketmaster. Well, Couch Slouch is now channeling Howard Beale – I’m taxed as hell and I’m not going to give it anymore.
No more federal tariffs, no more convenience charges. The games will go on without me. As for the IRS, from here on in I’m taxing myself – I’ll take the money out and put it aside, and when I see a pothole in the road or a U.S. senator who looks a bit thin, I’ll pay up.
Alas, I realize the rest of you might still have tax-and-ticket needs, so this week we present an expanded $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway!
Q. If NBA players – the so-called greatest athletes in the world – have a hard time playing back-to-back games that consist of 96 minutes, why does my boss insist I work back-to-back days that consist of 16 hours? (David Sidoti; Sandusky, Ohio)
A. Listen, pal, NBA players have a backbreaking travel schedule, they don’t get a one-hour lunch break at mid-game and can’t fool around on their PlayStation 2 until after their shift ends. Plus, when’s the last time you got served with a paternity suit on your day off?
Q. Doesn’t baseball commissioner Bud Selig’s annual salary of $14.5 million strike you as a tad high? (James Dunn; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Heck, Sprint Nextel CEO Gary Forsee earned $30 million last year, and I can’t even get a signal from my Sprint cell phone unless I’m standing in the Sprint parking lot.
Q. With NFL commissioner Roger Goodell coming down hard on Pacman Jones and Chris Henry for “conduct detrimental to the NFL,” how long of a suspension do you think he will give the Arizona Cardinals? (Bruce Hasch; Nederland, Texas)
A. You’re poking fun at my beloved Team of Destiny? I have no choice but to suspend you indefinitely for “conduct detrimental to the column.”
Q. In the history of sports business, can you think of any management decision stupider than that of the PGA awarding tournament television rights to the Golf Channel, whereby reducing viewership while at the same time minimizing opportunity for growth? As a follow-up, could you compare this decision to any of yours in the matrimonial arena? (Dave Rippel; California, Md.)
A. I have no problem with you criticizing the PGA in this area. I do have a problem with you sideswiping me in the process.
Q. With all your political connections, do you know if the Kennedys stand to make more money off the ban of online gambling than they did off the enactment of prohibition? (Kris Shuty; Cleveland)
A. It’s refreshing to see a sports fan with pre-ESPN knowledge of American history.
Q. Do you think the careers of Drew Bledsoe and Ki-Jana Carter would have worked out better if they had chosen Jerry Maguire over Bob Sugar? (John Desmond; Pittsburgh)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. With the demise of the International golf tournament, do you think if the judge in your first divorce had used the unmodified Stableford scoring system that the results might have been different? Or, in your second divorce, if you had decided to use match play and declared your wife “dormie,” would his ruling have changed? Do I get $2.50? (Chris Holubowicz; Milwaukee)
A. Pay the man twice, Shirley.
Q. If Shirley pays me $1.25 for printing my question in an accredited, professional newspaper, will I lose my amateur journalist status? (Paul D. Flowers; Cleveland, Texas)
A. I never have.