For homesick, even ‘killer snails’ aren’t that bad
Today is an extra good Saturday because I’m going on vacation. Most people who cough up two-and-a-half mortgage payments for plane tickets head for places with smooth sandy beaches, curry and coconuts, palms whispering on soft winds and warm tropical waters.
Not me – I’m going home to Denmark for the full foot-and-mouth experience complete with torrential rains.
Judging from this week’s top stories, nature is running completely amok in the old country.
It’s been the wettest summer since they started keeping track of such things, with weeklong rains only punctuated by blistering storms. The rain has led to the proliferation of what are popularly known as “killer snails” (arion lusitanicus). The slow-moving mobs first crossed the border in the early ‘90s and have since spread surprisingly fast, eating everything in their way. The sticky creeps may also spread E. coli and other dangerous bacteria by sliming all over vegetable gardens. Apparently the snails love dog crap, which makes me think they should be released in the streets of Copenhagen, where, like in so many other European cities, the sidewalks are disgustingly littered with puppy bombs.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease in Great Britain. They had one last time I was home as well, but I swear I have nothing to do with it. Adding to the excitement in London is an outbreak of Legionnaires’ disease. The Guardian reports that a worker at the foot-and-mouth lab has come down with this “potentially fatal form of pneumonia.” I guess the choice is between cholera and the bubonic plague for our friends on the isles. Thankfully I’m not flying British Airways, but there may still be a hazmat crew waiting for me in Chicago when I return.
In Sweden, a woman was attacked by an aggressive beaver earlier this week as she swam in a local stream. The creature slapped her with its tail and bit her so severely she ended up in the hospital, the local paper Bergslagsposten reports.
Great – flocks of beavers have been released in Denmark in the past couple of years in an attempt to re-establish a population that died out hundreds of years ago. I better be careful I don’t get trapped between a beaver and his beach towel.
And can I just ask what’s going on at the North Pole? The Danish paper Politiken reports that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has been traveling to inspect Arctic Canadian land possessions in an attempt to lay claim to the Northwest Passage, which is expected to become sailable soon because of global warming. This follows last week’s news that Russian submarines have planted a titanium flag underwater, at the North Pole. That’s pretty much a home run to the Russians when it comes to staking land claims – but now the Finnish paper Ilta-Sanomat is reporting that the photos from said sub-ice event (which first appeared on Russian TV but later went around the world) really are clipped from the movie “Titanic.” I am not making this up.
Thankfully, Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen has the situation completely under control: A Danish Arctic expedition is now heading to uncharted territory above the Arctic Circle. Politiken reports that the group is seeking to establish Danish claim to the North Pole. OK. Um, I thought we were done with Danish North Pole possession after we let go of Greenland. As the weather gets warmer, perhaps claiming vast expanses of ice is a smart and profitable thing to do – what do I know?
In other news, the remaining Danish forces have now left Iraq – all 400 of them – and Fogh Rasmussen (who got to shake hands with President Bush a couple of years ago and has been a big fan ever since) now tells Politiken that the war in Iraq was poorly planned and that the situation there still remains unsatisfactory. Leave it to the Danes to state the very obvious in a forceful manner, once they’ve left the room.
The list goes on and on – even if the perspective is a little different, news is still news, and in this case it’s certainly not the main reason why I’ll leave Spokane on Sunday morning.
I haven’t been home in three years, and lately I’ve been terribly homesick. Once homesickness grabs hold of you it’s like a toothache in your soul, except Novocain doesn’t work. There is no relief except to get on that plane and go home. I’ll be back in the paper Sept. 5 – enjoy the rest of the summer.