This early release sure to be a steal
Christmas is still a long sleigh ride away, I know.
But let’s all get in a festive mood by lifting our voices to the tune of that yuletide classic, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”
Ohhh …
You better sit back.
You better not choke.
Better not laugh.
Cuz it ain’t no joke.
Eddie Ray Hall’s coming to town.
Yes, Washington penal officials confirmed that Hall – Spokane County’s legendary one-man crime wave – was recently moved from the state pen in Walla Walla to the Airway Heights Corrections Center.
He checked into the institution’s minimum-security wing, which can accommodate up to 600 guests.
With continued reasonable behavior, Hall, 43, is scheduled for a Dec. 29 early release.
There go the Christmas presents.
Man, it seems like only yesterday that ERH was sent away after pleading guilty to counts of bail jumping, possessing meth and having stolen property.
That’s because it WAS yesterday.
OK. So it was more like a year or so ago. But considering Hall’s law-abusing background, I figured a judge would make sure Hall was well into geezerdom before unleashing him again on the public.
In baseball parlance, Eddy Ray is a first-round Hall of Shame pick.
His stats include something like 40-plus arrests and more than a dozen felony convictions.
A story some years ago indicated that Eddie Ray Hall had dinged taxpayers for a million bucks in warehousing, court costs and medical bills.
“I am guilty as hell,” he reportedly once told a deputy after a court proceeding.
What a character.
Oh, what a bollixed system we have. Sentences – what with credit for timeserved and good behavior discounts – are rarely what they appear to be. And that’s not even counting those little intangibles like bribes and spineless prosecutors.
Oh, there’s a chance that Eddie Ray Hall has learned his lesson this time.
And I could win “Dancing with the Stars,” too.
“Adults are very hard to rehab once they get entrenched in the system,” an experienced corrections officer told me. Crime “becomes their lifestyle. We call ‘em frequent flyers.”
The only thing the public has going for it is that run-of-the-mill criminals are usually easier to catch than venereal diseases on East Sprague.
Take the following example I learned while researching today’s column:
Just a few days ago, a Geiger Corrections Center inmate escaped from a work crew in Spokane Valley.
Did he carve a gun from a bar of soap or hatch an ingenious plan?
Nope. The clod took off his jumpsuit and walked away wearing nothing but boxer shorts (white) and his work boots.
“Booooorn free, as free as the wind blows.….”
This fruit of the lam didn’t last long.
(Surprisingly, walking around in your underwear is considered unusual even by Spokane Valley standards.)
A half-hour later the escapee was back where he belonged.
The outcome could have turned out differently had Under-boob attempted this in Spokane. Citizens would have probably taken the guy as a mayoral candidate pandering for last-minute primary votes.
Well, that wraps up the latest news from the hoosegow.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep working on my Eddie Ray Holiday album.
“Deck the Hall with Christmas booty.
“Tra-la-la-la-lah, Ha-ha. Ha. Ha!”