Time to move on for baseball
I finished reading the Mitchell Report during the weekend and, frankly, it disappointed me. It was just a rip-off of “The Departed” – everyone dies!
(Hey, this baby had 409 pages, 86 players fingered, hundreds of witnesses – and no index? If I’m a Dodger or a Yankee, I wouldn’t want to spend hours and hours looking for my name. At the very least, the Mitchell Report should be a “Books on Tape” selection so players can just listen to it while being injected in the buttocks.)
There are two undeniable conclusions a discerning fan can cull from the report:
1. Jose Canseco did more for baseball than Bud Selig.
2. The Steroid Era All-Stars would be a good test for the 1919 Black Sox in a best-of-9 World Series.
(You’ve got to admit that’s a pretty good lineup BALCO put together: Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Benito Santiago, Randy Velarde, Marvin Benard and Bobby Estalella. But it proves, as always, it’s tough to find good pitching.)
So where to from here?
We all must grow up and accept it.
My goodness, the NFL was built on performance- enhancing drugs. I guarantee you the Mafia and maybe Microsoft were, too, plus some of our greatest jazz musicians did cocaine. What, you going to put an asterisk in every jukebox next to Billie Holiday’s “I Get a Kick Out of You”?
(By the way, can you believe the Mitchell Report – a $20-million, 20-month investigation – largely hinges on the words of one Kirk Radowski, former Mets batboy? He climbed baseball’s corporate ladder the hard way; he went from towel attendant to testosterone supplier. And he was good at what he did – this guy delivered faster than Domino’s.)
Our best course of action, in terms of the Steroids Era, is to pretend it never happened. Otherwise, it’s tough to go on. You think O.J. Simpson walks around golf courses thinking about June 12, 1994? You think Bill Clinton sits around McDonald’s brooding about his myriad dalliances?
There’s no way to clean up the past. Every number in every box score is tainted. Since we can’t jump into the record book and white out the numbers, we must move on and pass judgment as we see fit.
For instance, as I suggested a couple of years ago, my solution for Barry Bonds is simply to refer to him as B*rry Bonds from here on out.
(Here’s my problem: Many newspapers always change “B*rry” to “Barry” in my columns. Editors hate the asterisk – you have to use the shift key to type it, which is more physical activity than most of them prefer.)
Another solution is to follow horse racing’s lead. The Daily Racing Form simply lists which horses are on Lasix. Baseball scorecards could indicate which players are on Winstrol.
If it’s good enough for Seattle Slew, it should be good enough for Scott Schoeneweis.
(Incidentally, Congress is getting involved again. Lawyers chase ambulances, California Rep. Henry Waxman chases asterisks. He’s looking for camera time on the steroids issue, so he’s rounding up the usual suspects to testify in front of his House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, a.k.a. Dogs and Ponies R Us.)
The Mitchell Report introduced another disturbing notion, the possibility of saving players’ urine samples for years so they can be retested once a urine test is developed for human growth hormone.
Really? The post office can’t hold a package for more than a week – how do we expect baseball to preserve urine samples? Have you ever seen the storage facilities at MLB headquarters?
At least the Mitchell Report made me feel better about myself because, as it turns out, Roger Clemens and I sort of share a common bond: I’ve been chronically linked to Preparation H, he’s now linked to HGH.
Ask The Slouch
Q. On “Monday Night Football,” why does it take three people in the TV booth to tell us what we are seeing on the field? (C.G. Stipp; Seattle)
A. Well, there are 22 players on the field, so each ESPN broadcaster is responsible for 7 1/3 of them.
Q. Who wasn‘t named by the Mitchell Report? (Mark Vela; Plano, Texas)
A. Eddie Gaedel.
Q. If Hillary Clinton is qualified for the White House because she watched her husband be governor and president for 20 years, why haven’t the Atlanta Falcons offered their quarterback job to Deanna Favre? (David C. Weaver; Birmingham, Ala.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.