Bad medicine puts Dr. Doug in healing mood
Hello and welcome to Turn Your Head and Cough.
Today Dr. Doug will answer questions raised by the epidemic of recent health-related newspaper stories on topics like hospital errors, giant babies and diaper-wearing space cadets.
Before we begin our examination, please strip down to your birthday suit and put on one of those degrading, open-fannied paper gowns.
Now let’s get cracking.
Q – A report on Washington medical mistakes revealed that 17 foreign objects were left inside patients after surgery since last June. What’s been the response from the doctors?
Dr. Doug – “Has anyone seen my iPod?”
Q – What do the hospitals say about this?
Dr. Doug – “$199 has been added to your bill.”
Q – Oh, well. Everybody makes mistakes, right?
Dr. Doug – That’s why the Accuracy Watch is often longer than my column.
Q – You’re fast becoming gravitationally impaired, Dr. Doug. Do you plan on taking that new FDA- approved, over-the-counter diet drug?
Dr. Doug – No. I’m already on a strict over-the-counter Cyrus O’Leary’s coconut cream pie regimen.
Q – You’ve been buying a lot of that pie through the drive-through lane at Arby’s, haven’t you?
Dr. Doug – Drive-through pie. What a great country!
Q – Did you see the story about the woman who gave birth to the 14.1-pound baby?
Dr. – I sure did.
Q – A Caesarean?
Dr. Doug – No, a Mexican.
Q – A new blow-dryer-like device is being tested to kill head lice. What’s the biggest louse you’ve ever seen?
Dr. Doug – Howard K. Stern.
Q – What’s your position on medical marijuana?
Dr. Doug – Being a Zags fan, I’m backing medical marijuana with a side of psychedelic mushrooms.
Q – Could the ‘shrooms and pot allegedly connected to two Gonzaga players during a traffic stop affect the Zags’ chances for March Madness?
Dr. Doug – Maybe. But they’re favored for Reefer Madness.
Q – Psychiatrists are calling video game addiction a growing problem. What do you call it?
Dr. Doug – Lazyassitis.
Q – Speaking of people who need couch time, why did that astronut Lisa Nowak drive off wearing a diaper?
Dr. Doug – She was on an incontinental voyage.
Q – Aw, is that the best you got?
Dr. Doug – In case of a loss of emission control?
Q – We have liftoff!
Dr. Doug – Thank you.
Q – Did you laugh out loud when you read that great headline the other day: “Apparent dead man was drunken woman”?
Dr. Doug – I could have used one of Nowak’s space diapers.
Q – How could a drunken woman be mistaken for a male corpse?
Dr. Doug – She was on a gender bender.
Q – Will an apple a day really keep the doctor away?
Dr. Doug – Not the way being indigent and uninsured will.
Q – The aforementioned state report on medical mistakes cites 11 cases where a doctor operated on the wrong body part. What can concerned patients do to keep this from happening?
Dr. Doug – Always take a specialist with you into the operating room.
Q – You mean like a gastroenterologist?
Dr. Doug – No, I mean like a malpractice attorney.
Q – What’s the difference between a doctor and a lawyer?
Dr. Doug – A doctor will rob and kill you.
Q – For shame, Dr. Doug. Why would you risk offending the entire medical profession by repeating such an old, tasteless joke?
Dr. Doug – My doctor says I’m not at all well.