Smooth marriage rough spots

Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have devoted much of their professional careers in the study of the marriage dynamic. After years of research, they have come up with a truly shocking conclusion, namely that love is less about communication than it is about connection.

Almost every marital relationship hits a difficult patch every so often. Most therapists believe that when this occurs, it’s time for a “relationship talk.” Not so fast, say Love and Stosny. A heart-to-heart talk doesn’t always solve problems, they say. In fact, it might create a deeper divide.

The authors make several other interesting points. For example, they are convinced that male emotions are a great deal like women’s sexuality in that you can neither be too direct nor too quick. They also believe that while talking about a relationship may make a woman move closer, it often pushes the man away. The secret of the silent male is the simple fact that his wife is the one who supplies much of the meaning in his life, and he feels no need to discuss this.

Love and Stosny offer what they call a “power-love formula” that can help strengthen a troubled relationship. Based on shared values rather than shared tastes, they recommend hugging six times a day for six seconds, holding positive thoughts about the relationship, and making a contract to share your love with both compassion and generosity.

“How to Improve Your Marriage” brims with stories of couples who have turned their marriages around using the suggestions outlined. It also contains sane advice about behaviors that make and break marriages and provides the tools to make positive changes in almost any marriage.