Indigenous species those bird-watchers missed
Monday’s newspaper contained a fine story about dedicated bird-watchers keeping track of the area’s fascinating fowl.
The western tanager, for example. And the ruby-crowned kinglet.
Though these birders deserve an “A” for effort, I was shocked to discover that some of our more remarkable feathered friends had been overlooked.
I’m referring to the …
Yellow-bellied sap-Tucker – A member of the legal-eagle community, the sap-Tucker hides under his desk at the Spokane County Prosecutor’s Office to avoid hard decisions. With the coming of spring, however, this bird will emerge from his slumber, flap his wings and fly straight for the nearest golf course.
High Bridge creeper – A furtive, nocturnal species, these fly-by-nights are known to frolic in the dark, brushy recesses of Spokane’s High Bridge Park. Though rarely seen, birdwatchers can locate a creeper site by following the trail of scattered underwear, needles and used condoms.
Stark raven Bradpecker – Perched on the Spokane City Council, the youthful Bradpecker tries to pass himself off as a wise owl. City Hall insiders, however, consider the Bradpecker more of a dodo.
Sharp-clawed Avista hawk – A power-company predator, the Avista hawk preys on the pocketbooks of ratepayers. But then, how else do you keep those enormous executive salaries propped up?
Drive-through cockatoo – The scourge of Airway Heights coffee stands, these perverted parrots enjoy terrorizing baristas by baring their cuttlebones. Labeled “pests” by wildlife officials, espresso servers are encouraged to scald on sight.
Invisible Lynch finch – The No. 2 bird at Spokane City Hall, it hasn’t been spotted since December. Nobody knows why.
Jaded titlark – Indigenous to area strip clubs, but don’t let the preening and posturing fool you. These are actually sad birds who suffer from sore joints, pole burns, ill-proportioned implants, low self-esteem and a well-deserved poor image of men.
Magic muffin puffin – Sporting blue-and-white jerseys, these high fliers have been linked to marijuana and muffins laced with psychedelic mushrooms. Formerly team players, muffin puffins are now the outcasts of the Gonzaga University men’s basketball season.
Urban core flycatcher – Felonious and nasty carrion birds, these scavengers flock near the STA bus plaza when they are not accosting pedestrians for spare change or urinating in Davenport Hotel flower pots.
North Idaho firebird – Like clockwork every summer, these birdbrains would burn their grass-farming field stubble, polluting the air with billowing noxious smoke. Thanks to a federal court ruling, the North Idaho firebird has been extinguished – like the phoenix.
Right-winged cuckoo – Before the last election, these birds were the ONLY pecking order on the Spokane County Board of Commissioners. Today, the right-winged cuckoos still hold a majority thanks to a mated pair. As with penguins, these birds can’t fly. They waddle in lockstep to the siren call of developers.
Orange-vested chickadee – These adolescent, colorful birds migrate up-and-down halls while classes are in session at Spokane’s Rogers High School. One day, hopefully, these young birds will be able to shed their day-glo vests for a less conspicuous mode of hall pass.
Tax-winged loon – Commonly known as the Spokane County assessor, this bird keeps his office workers in a constant state of grousing thanks to their boss’s my-way-or-the-highway arrogance, contempt for the taxpayer and preferential hiring practices.
Very lame duck – The ornithological listing for the mayor of Spokane. It makes no difference who’s ruling the City Hall roost. He or she always heads south after one term.