Friendship dissolves, woman ponders forgiveness

Dear Harriette: Like many others, I lost a dear friend when our friendship collapsed under the weight of changing life circumstances, disappointment, resentfulness, an inability to listen to each other and sometimes outright cruelty. The dissolution of our bond caught us both off guard — we were closer than sisters, and I had never imagined my life without her. I have forgiven her for the hurt she caused me and I have been working on forgiving myself for the hurt I caused her.

However, we still share a mutual circle of friends — we see each other at gatherings. I wish nothing but the best for her, and I am happy to see and speak to her at these gatherings. But now she has indicated, and I have heard from mutual friends, that she wants to be friends again. I tried at least twice to reconnect with her on a more frequent basis, but old feelings led to quick arguments and unpredictable meetings.

Does forgiving someone mean you have to trust her to be in your life again? Does my reluctance to re-establish an ongoing connection with her mean I’m being unfair and haven’t truly forgiven her? I feel guilty every day for not being able to willingly reciprocate her feelings, but I don’t feel comfortable allowing her back in my life. — Vivian, Chicago

Dear Vivian: Forgiveness is such a difficult action to take. I believe forgiveness exists in many layers. When you are able to let go of any remnants of hurt or discomfort at the core of your being, you will be able to talk to your former friend with little or no anxiety. The fact that you share friends means you may need to speed up the process of healing so that you can find comfort in her company.

Should you feel like you have to rekindle your friendship the way it was previously? No, and don’t feel guilty, either. When you’re ready, you may want to talk to your former friend, about your apprehensions and her current feelings. A face-to-face conversation may yield surprising results.