Hapless criminals keep Spokane police busy, amused

Hollywood criminals are usually clever, graceful and debonair.

But cops’ favorite stories are about crooks who are dense, clumsy and easily captured.

“Dumb criminals are job security,” says Washington State Patrol Trooper Jeff Sevigney.

And the Inland Northwest has its share.

Some local vehicle thieves, for example, must have missed Nicholas Cage in “Gone in 60 Seconds.” When Cage stole a car, he got a 1967 Mustang GT500 that could outrun the cops. Our crooks sometimes seem to be in the intellectual slow lane.

Take, for instance, one Spokane Valley car thief. Well, not exactly a car. The man stole an easily identifiable T&T Milk Transport vehicle last spring, then led deputies on a five-mile chase that turned into a crawl. The milk run ended with the man’s capture.

Or, the Moses Lake man who took a red and white Chevy Suburban with a Spokane Valley Fire Department logo on its door.

It was equipped with a global positioning system that tracked the vehicle, and several cops were soon on the Suburban’s tail. The 26-year-old driver, who couldn’t help butting in on conversations he heard over the police radio, should have paid more attention to his driving: He eventually got stuck in a muddy field.

In the movies, wily cops pry confessions from tough guys. But around here, punks can spill the beans, even before they’re captured.

A few years ago, WSP Trooper Dan Tindall pulled over a car he saw weaving on the highway near Pullman. Turns out, it was stolen. After the teens were rounded up, Tindall played a tape recorder found inside the vehicle. The first words he heard: “So we’re out in front of the house about to take the car …”

Nothing like a taped confession.

Local burglars and robbers may want to rent the DVD of “Ocean’s 11” where Danny Ocean and an elite crew orchestrate elaborate heists at casinos.

One of our hapless criminals, for example, hadn’t quite figured out that freshly fallen snow can often be one of the best crime fighters. Just follow the tracks.

And when two men broke into a Coeur d’Alene VFW Hall, walking on the 1920s tongue and groove floor was as good as setting off a blaring burglar alarm.

One convicted felon was arrested after an apparent gunbattle – with himself. He was found to have a stolen firearm after accidentally shooting himself in the foot.

Drunken drivers might learn a thing or two from Billy Bob Thornton’s character in “Bad Santa.” The character was a thief and an alcoholic drunk, but he never got a DUI, at least not on camera. Perhaps he followed these simple tips:

Tip No. 1: If you are driving drunk, don’t pull into a gas station where there are three marked cop cars, especially when your car has expired tags. That was a mistake a Spokane man made while three WSP troopers were inside the station’s convenience store grabbing a cup of coffee and noticed the man’s outdated license plate stickers.

Drunken driving tip No. 2: Don’t go twice the speed limit.

Spokane County sheriff’s Cpl. Dave Thornburg was on duty in Spokane Valley in December when he saw a car whiz by going at least 70 mph in a 35 mph zone.

The driver, who said he’d had three drinks, was familiar with sobriety tests, Thornburg said. Before each test could be explained, the guy would start doing it. But then he’d give up, saying he couldn’t finish.

The man finally admitted that it was about time he got a DUI because he had been driving home smashed 12 to 15 times a month for a while.

Drunken driving tip No. 3: The sober person should be behind the steering wheel.

A man with several previous DUI convictions was pulled over driving while high once again and told the WSP trooper: “My girlfriend has a license and needs one so we can buy milk for our kids. I’m never going to get my license back so what does it matter if I get arrested? I just get another DUI and spend some more time in jail …” Sometimes a crook is so inept it almost insults the intelligence of officers.

A woman who at first denied doing anything wrong finally confessed to writing just one counterfeit check, sheriff’s officials said. She told detectives there was no evidence on her computer that would indicate any other wrongdoing.

But digital forensic specialist Cory Pritchard found a directory on the computer with a less than subtle title: “fake IDs.” In other files, she found folders for Social Security numbers, driver’s licenses for Oregon, Montana and Washington, and insurance card templates.

“It was a real test of my abilities to find her documents,” Pritchard joked.

Last, but not the least amusing, are felons who are their own worst enemies.

When WSP Trooper Mark Baker was called about a road rage incident in which a driver had a Big Gulp thrown at him, the officer discovered that the soda-soaked victim who called 911 had a felony warrant for his arrest.

Then there was the woman who was upset about her drug money being stolen and called Spokane police to report a burglary. When officers showed up, they saw her stuffing crack cocaine behind her couch.

The woman swore the stolen $5,000 was honest cash.

But when the officer questioned her, she admitted: “OK, it’s all about the drugs.”