Norman Chad: ‘Reverse coach’ candidates already canned

NFL Coach of the Year? That’s easy – the Saints’ Sean Payton took a team without a home a year ago and brought it home with the NFC South title. What’s tougher to determine is the Reverse Coach of the Year, the fellow who should’ve won but didn’t.

So let’s count down the top five – with a reminder that the Redskins’ Joe Gibbs is exempt, due to lifetime achievement and current proximity to Daniel Snyder – to the No. 1 Reverse Coach of the Year:

5. Art Shell, Raiders. During Oakland’s torturous 2-14 season, Shell stood on the sideline every Sunday with a vacant look. I’m not sure he was watching the same game the rest of us were. And even though he had a headset on, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out it wasn’t plugged into anywhere.

Unlike others, I had no problem that Shell had hired an offensive coordinator – Tom Walsh – who was running a bed-and-breakfast and had been out of football for more than a decade. My problem was that the bed-and-breakfast wasn’t very good.

I mean, if a man can’t fix a decent pancake, what are the chances he can fix your passing game?

4. Tom Coughlin, Giants. The record isn’t good – one winning season out of three in New York, including this year’s near-collapse after a 6-2 start. But it goes beyond wins and losses with Coughlin; he earns coaching damnation through mind, body and soul.

On the sideline, he’s in a constant state of agony, his sourpuss mug alternating between whine and pout. When he throws the red challenge flag, Coughlin looks as if he’s just been told he has to go to his room without dessert. Plus you can glance at the Giants’ players and realize that even winning with Coughlin is a joyless journey.

(Breaking news: The Louvre Museum in Paris has offered $2.8 million for the tattoo on Jeremy Shockey’s right arm.)

3. Gregg Williams and Al Saunders, Redskins. Joe Gibbs is CEO in Washington, so blame lies with the assistants who run his defense and offense. Still, Gibbs is not guiltless. When Williams was head coach in Buffalo, he was 17-31, and when Saunders was head coach in San Diego, he was 17-22; upon closer inspection, Gibbs should’ve noticed these were losing records.

Williams generally tells anyone within earshot he’s the best defensive mind in the game. In 2004, his Redskins allowed 265 points. In 2005, they allowed 293 points. And in 2006, they allowed 376 points.

As for Saunders, he takes a lot of grief for his 700-page playbook, but in his defense, it does include Zagat restaurant ratings for all NFL cities.

2. Dennis Green, Cardinals. This one’s personal. This is the third straight year Green has piloted my Team of Destiny. It’s the third straight year Arizona has finished 5-11 or 6-10.

It’s one thing if he wants to compromise his own career, but it’s another thing when he’s taking me down with him. I haven’t been so publicly humiliated since the prenup for my first marriage was invalidated by a Superior Court judge on the third night of our honeymoon.

Green and I hit rock bottom Week 6, when the Cardinals blew, like, a 49-3 fourth-quarter lead to the Bears on “Monday Night Football.” I waited a couple of days to call him – you know, to let Denny cool down – and left a message on his voice mail. He never called back.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Job status: Fired on Monday.

1. Jim Mora, Falcons. If you have Michael Vick as your quarterback and can’t finish better than 8-8 in two consecutive seasons, you are the Reverse Coach of the Year. If you start 8-5 in 2005 and 5-2 in 2006 and miss the playoffs each time, you are the Reverse Coach of the Year. And if you tell a radio station that you would pursue the University of Washington job even if the Falcons were in the playoffs – and without the job being open – you are the soon-to-be Reverse Ex-Coach of the Year.

Job status: Fired on Monday.

Ask The Slouch

Q. In light of Jeff Suppan’s contract with the Milwaukee Brewers, is anyone still upset about the Goldman Sachs guys getting $53 million bonuses? (Michael Becker; St. Louis)

A. The man has a 106-101 career record with a 4.60 ERA and you want to deny him $40 million-plus over four years? This is America, pal.

Q. I was thinking of applying to the University of Maryland’s seven-year bachelors program in journalism, with a concentration in commentary on things I know nothing about (poker, sports, et al). Can you write a letter of recommendation for me? (John Mayhew; Centreville, Mass.)

A. Alas, I have no clout with my alma mater. You’re better off latching onto a journalistic Terp who specializes in fabricating stuff.

Q. What with high school games on national TV and NASCAR all over the dial, what are the odds that Larry the Cable Guy is our next Secretary of State? (Gary Fox; Mt. Prospect, Ill.)

A. What, Bush gets a third term?