John Blanchette: Dr. Phil-it-up offers up advice

Announcer: “Now it’s time for Dr. Phil-it-up’s advice to the Zaglorn.”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “We’re cutting away from the worst doggone Zags show ever for this emergency edition of Dr. Phil-it-up. Our switchboard is already blinking like a one-eyed camel in a sandstorm. It’s crisis time in Gonzaga country. The Bulldogs have lost five of their last six. It was so bad Wednesday night that ESPN2 switched away from the humiliation at Virginia to Purdue-Minnesota – in the first half. Fans are in a dither. They’re so overwrought about the state of the Zags that they’ve actually stopped complaining about Greg Heister and Craig Ehlo. But don’t panic. Breathe deeply. I’m here. Let’s get right to the phones. Our first caller is Jerry from the Valley.”

Jerry: “I’m sick, Doc. What’s wrong with my Zags?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “They needed a tougher November schedule to get them ready for these December and January games. Biff from the South Hill is next.”

Biff: “Doc, I can’t believe the Zags are losing like this and I’m afraid the home-court winning streak is in danger this weekend.”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “What’s your question?”

Biff: “Well, normally I don’t get back to my seat until about five minutes into the second half because I’m schmoozing CEOs and finishing my Cabernet. But I feel the team could use my support. Will I look too needy or desperate if I actually show up for the start of the second half?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Just tell your seatmates you’re on medication and your doctor has put the Herak Room off limits. Next we’ll go to Mac in Millwood.”

Mac: “Doc, I’m an old-school Zags fan who’s been there from the beginning – you know, the Monson years. My question is, why doesn’t Mark Few set better screens for Derek Raivio?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Because he’s not in the game? Randy from the West Central has a question.”

Randy: “I saw someone in Spokane today wearing a Washington State basketball sweatshirt. Should I have reported him to the police?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Probably a tourist, Randy, but this might be a signal that it’s time to start a Neighborhood Watch program. Our next caller is Cameron, who says he’s a Gonzaga student. What’s on your mind, Cameron?”

Cameron: “I’m in the Kennel Club, Doc, and I just want to make sure we’re doing our part. I’m getting pretty good at yelling “You suck!” at the opposing team, but I’m wondering if I should come up with something more clever.”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Yes. Try chanting ‘O-ver-ra-ted!’ I hear it really gets them where they live. Let’s take another call.”

Caller: “This is Bobby from Boone Avenue. Any chance the Zags will refund everyone’s money if they don’t make the NCAA tournament?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “I don’t think they’re that desperate for attention yet. Tony in Reardan, you’re on with Dr. Phil-it-up.”

Tony: “That Virginia game was embarrassing. I hope Mark Few is taking a hard look at himself in the mirror. Good coaches don’t lose like that.”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Really? Here’s a score just in from 1994: Minnesota 106, Indiana 56 in 1994. Here’s another from 1998: Michigan 112, Indiana 64. Funny those didn’t get mentioned in all the Bobby Knight hoo-hah over the weekend.”

Tony: “Yeah, but a lot of times to make a point Knight benched his best players.”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “So I guess Josh Heytvelt was there Wednesday night because the pine needed polishing? Let’s move on. Hey, Shooter’s calling long distance from Hickory, Indiana.”

Shooter: “Few should run the picket fence on ‘em.”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “The Zags would get caught watching the paint dry. Hello, Rob in Moscow.”

Rob: “Do you think the Zags should go back to the Big Sky?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “I think the Zags should get out of the friendly skies. Lorenzo from Montlake is on with the doc.”

Lorenzo: “Say, is it too late to get the Zags back on the schedule?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Sorry, crank call. Again from the South Hill, here’s Chipper.”

Chipper: “Hey, I bought season tickets because I thought Zags games were a great place to take women on dates, but now no one will go with me.”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “This is Dr. Phil-it-up, not Dr. Pick-up. Try an escort service. Got a question?”

Chipper: “How do we better defend the 3?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Try an escort service. They snuggle up a lot closer than the Zags. Adam from Charlotte is calling.”

Adam: “Miss me yet?”

Dr. Phil-it-up: “Like you wouldn’t believe. Well, that’s about all the time we have. But wait – we thought we’d hear from Virginia athletic director Craig Littlepage, a member of the NCAA selection committee who was at Wednesday’s game. We’d better dial him up. Surely he has some comforting words for Zags fans. Craig, come March …”

Littlepage: “Hey, doc? Don’t call us. We’ll call you.”