John Blanchette: Figure skating terminology with an edge

Here at The Skatesman-Review, we’ve been accused of not being able to see the forest for the trees we’re killing to cover the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. At least, a caller put it almost that nicely the other day.

Well, guilty as charged.

In both the multiyear ramping up to the event and its early stages this week, we have detailed the food and the fun to be had, the costumes, the costs, the coaches, the icemaking, the up-and-coming stars, no-show Sasha, the kids who scoop up all the teddy bears, the shuttle buses – in short, every aspect of the championships that anyone might be talking about, and many that won’t be.

(A tip for you social activists out there: If you can somehow outfit the homeless with figure skates, you’ll have a better chance of generating dialogue on that issue in the newspaper this week.)

Nonetheless, we seem to be forgetting that not all of our populace is conversant in the dazzling performance art that is figure skating. Fans are expected to stream into the Spokane Arena in record numbers, and yet I’m not sure we’ve coached you enough on how to tell an Axel from a Lutz from a Salchow.

Here’s how I do it: I ask the reporter from the Associated Press.

Alas, you don’t have that kind of access. And while this is an admittedly inferior alternative to that expertise, I hope the following skate-related glossary will assist you in hacking through the jargon jungle and enhance your appreciation of the championships.

Let’s get right to it – there may be a quiz on this material:

Axels – Pawn shop where Spokane skating fans took their stereos, silverware and first-born sons for the cash to afford a season ticket to the championships.

Double Axel – Return trip to hock the plasma screen for a second season ticket when your wife refuses to go to the Arena without you.

Salchow – What a farmer has to do to afford tickets.

Lutz – How much tickets cost, if you haven’t already figured that out.

Camel – Tonya Harding’s brand.

Compulsory dance – What seventh-grade boys hate about P.E.

Mohawk – If Johnny Weir really wanted to be outrageous, he’d order up one at Supercuts.

Throw – What the French judge tried to do in the Salt Lake City Olympics.

Envelope system – How the bribes were delivered to the French judge.

Twizzle – A traveling turn on one foot with one or more rotations.

Swizzle – The only way to end a day of compulsory dance.

F’shizzle – Noted skating analyst Snoop Dogg’s take on whether Belbin and Agosto will win the championship dance.

Edge jump – What ABC executives may do if television ratings for skating continue to plummet.

Hydrant lift – C’mon, you don’t expect me to touch this one, do you?

“Carmen” – It is to skating what “Smoke on the Water” is to State B high school pep bands.

Platter lift – Made obsolete when skating music came out on CD.

Free skating – Such a quaint notion.

Rocker – What veteran Michael Weiss won at last year’s championships in lieu of a medal.

Stroking – Best strategy for landing the championships for your town.

Kiss and cry – Where the skaters wait for the good/bad news about their scores and calculate how that may eventually impact their bank accounts. Rumor has it they’re putting one in at Axel’s Pawn, the next time skating comes to town.

Shadow skating – What the ladies in this event did with Michelle Kwan around for nearly a decade.

Sasha Cohen – Second-best U.S. female skater for many years, now second-most famous Sacha Cohen, give or take an “S” or a “C.”

Flying sit spin – What Sasha Cohen told this event to go take.

Short program – What U.S. ladies skating is now: world champion Kimmie Meissner, nationals bronze medalist Emily Hughes and a field of “Who dat?”

Michelle Kwan – First skater chosen to a U.S. Olympic team by virtue of a Lifetime Achievement Award. Now a “public diplomacy envoy” for the United States, she travels the globe teaching the world how to be nice and that, apparently, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t rise to the occasion at the Olympics.

Star lift – What former Canadian champion Lloyd Eisler pulled off when he split from his wife for “Skating With Celebrities” partner and actress Kristy Swanson last year.

“Skating With Celebrities” – What came along 10 years too late for Tonya.

Judging panel – Unassailable arbiters of skating ability if your favorite skater wins. Larry, Curly and Moe if he doesn’t.

Technical panel – Group of skating experts gathered to make sure the new judging system is even more inscrutable than the old one.

Death spiral – What subscribers go into when they turn the page and see yet another skating story in the newspaper.

Synchronized skating – What will send me into a death spiral if it ever comes to Spokane.