Caffeine-fueled flashers deserve lap full of latte
NEWS FLASH!
Another espresso-bitionist is accused of exposing himself at an Airway Heights java stand.
Unlike Joseph “Cuppa Joe” Mastel’s trouser-dropping last June, however, this new percolator (sorry, I meant perpetrator) is NOT a member of law enforcement.
At least we can be grateful for that.
According to a Sheriff’s Office press release, 48-year-old Douglas J. Dibiasi was jailed Saturday on three charges of indecent exposure after he allegedly bared and fiddled with himself in front of three baristas at a Starbucks on U.S. Highway 2.
The charges aren’t felonies.
They’re misdewieners. Like me, many of you are no doubt asking: “What in Hills Brothers is going on in Airway Heights?”
Caffeine will keep you up at night. Too much will give you the jitters.
Could there be a more sinister side effect?
I’ve driven through plenty of espresso stands. The worst behavior I’ve ever engaged in is not leaving a tip.
Not once did the concept of de-pantsing ever pop into my mind.
Will the coffee-cat criminals become an occupational hazard for Airway Heights baristas?
I don’t want to wait and find out. I say it’s time baristas began arming themselves. Not with pistols. I’m thinking squirt guns filled with a full-bodied and scalding hot Colombian blend.
There’s a wake-up call.
CREEP – “Hey, baby, lookee my biscotti.”
BARISTA – “Squirrrrrt.”
CREEP – “Yaaaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!”
What went down in Airway Heights last June was perverse enough.
Cuppa Joe, to recap the saga, is the Spokane County sheriff’s detective who: A.) Flashed a barista at the On Alert coffee stand. B.) Was quickly fired by Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich and … C.) Had his firing overturned thanks to a couple of numbskulls on the Spokane County Civil Service Commission.
For additional information, check out the parody “Barista” song I sang at:
www.spokesmanreview.com/ media/audio/011107_ritual.mp3.
Just the other day, Sheriff Ozzie asked to appeal the reversal of Cuppa Joe’s canning.
Ozzie would have done this sooner but the poor sheriff needed time to recover from the blow to his jaw when it hit the ground after the commission’s shocking decision.
The good news is that soon we won’t have to worry about lewd louts like Cuppa Joe. They’ll all be patronizing the sexpresso stands of Washington’s West Side.
Consider the recent story that ran in the Seattle Times under the headline: “Some coffee stands get steamier.”
“In a short, sheer, baby-doll negligee and coordinated pink panties, Candice Law is dressed to work at a drive-through espresso stand in Tukwila, and she is working it.”
I can hear tires screeching as Cuppa Joe races away from Spokane after reading that sentence.
But it’s true. Flirtatious behavior, bikini tops and scanty apparel is a new competitive trend at java joints on the other side of the Cascades.
Continuing with the Times story:
“At Port Orchard’s ‘Natte Latte,’ baristas sport hot-pink hot pants and tight white tank tops. Day-of-the-week theme outfits ranging from racy lingerie to ‘fetish’ ensembles are the dress code at Moka Girls Espresso in Auburn and at several Cowgirls Espresso stands in the area.”
Back to Dibiasi. A sheriff’s spokesman said the man first denied his lewd behavior. Then, after learning his show had been captured on a video camera, the suspect changed his tune, saying it was all a big joke.
Sounds more like Dibiasi was caught red-handed.
Starbuck-naked.