It’s Super Bowl Party time with the Couch Slouch

The sumptuous spectacle we call Super Bowl 41 is being played in south Florida, where America’s biggest stage shines on the NFL’s biggest stars. Or, as Lenny Bruce once remarked, “Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”

Lights, cameras, action … replay! It all will tumble into our living rooms, and, as usual, as a public service I am here to provide my annual Super Bowl Sunday Viewing Guide (For Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):

Super Bowl Sunday is a tortuously long haul, so you have to pace yourself. I don’t care on what day you are reading this, CBS’s pregame show already has started in certain time zones.

Before the game begins, look to your left and look to your right – if you see any Bears fans, toss them. We’re all still feeling the aftereffects of that 1985 championship season – Da Bears, the Super Bowl Shuffle, Jim McMahon, William “Refrigerator” Perry, Mike Ditka. So turn your home into a Chicago-free zone, except, of course, for some Lou Malnati deep-dish pizza.

On the other hand, look to your left and look to your right – if you see any Colts fans, kiss them. Who can begrudge Indianapolis a little football sunshine? (Other than Baltimore kin, who have a legitimate gripe but need to move on.) No one from Indianapolis has ever treated me poorly; I can’t say that for any of the other 50 largest cities in America. (Don’t get me started on Oklahoma City.)

Prince will be the featured musical act on the halftime extravaganza. Remember the uproar over Janet Jackson’s nipple three years ago? Have you ever seen Prince perform? His whole wardrobe is a malfunction.

At some point of the third quarter, a red flag will be thrown onto the field and we will see 17 camera angles of a fumble. If a replay challenge decides things, I will be moving to the suburbs of Tarragona, Spain, where I will eat Cochinillo Asado TV dinners while watching Beckham-less Real Madrid games on Fox Sports Catalonia.

The following has little to do with the Super Bowl, but I think it’s important to ponder. Here are the words of Tennessee Williams, from “Suddenly, Last Summer:” “Most people’s lives – what are they but trails of debris, long long trails of debris with nothing to clean it all up but, finally, death?” Then again, here are the words of Ernie Banks: “Let’s play two!”

The cost of 30 seconds of commercial time on this year’s Super Bowl telecast will reach $2.6 million. By comparison, the cost of 30 seconds of shopping time for Paris Hilton averages $3.3 million.

It’s a good bet that, by game’s end, you will see many, many Anheuser-Busch ads, particularly for a beer by the name of Bud Light. To which I say to Auggie Busch IV: No sale, pal. Incidentally, this will be Couch Slouch’s first post-Rolling Rock Super Bowl; let’s see if Shiner Bock can handle the load.

Pardon us, but we have one final Madison Avenue note for you. Peyton Manning will be attempting to become the first quarterback in NFL history to throw four touchdown passes and pitch four products during a single Super Bowl.

Like everything else, a Super Bowl party is governed by rules and etiquette. 1. It’s a nice, unexpected touch to have half-and-half available for coffee drinkers. 2. Do not allow more than one person into the bathroom at a time. 3. Keep the Triscuits and the Bugles in separate bowls.

If the game loses its appeal, you do have other viewing options. The Disney Channel is showing “Hannah Montana,” Hallmark has “Little House on the Prairie” and – here comes my annual plug for my favorite dark horse cable network – Animal Planet has “Puppy Bowl III.”

Oh, yeah, the game itself – you probably want to know who’s going to win. Once a year, I provide the EXACT FINAL SCORE of a game beforehand. Some of you may recall the 1940 NFL championship game in which the Bears defeated the Redskins, 73-0. Yes, 73-0. Sid Luckman was the Bears’ quarterback then, Rex Grossman is the Bears’ quarterback now.

Indianapolis 73, Chicago 0.

Ask The Slouch

Q. According to Yahoo.com, Reggie Bush was allegedly given nearly $280,000 in cash and gifts while playing college football. If true, is this the worst thing a USC running back has ever done? (Joey Favata; Syracuse, N.Y.)

A. O.J. Simpson had a pretty bad turn a few years back on the HBO sitcom “First & Ten.”

Q. With more and more women joining the poker craze, do you fear that one day you might lose your job to Ryan Seacrest? (Andrew Abromaitis; Oak Creek, Wis.)

A. Heck, I could lose my job to a talking horse.

Q. Who would you rate as the most underrated TV mind of our time? (Lois Claire; Cleveland)

A. Maxwell Smart was ahead of the curve – 40 years ago he was using his shoe as a phone.

Q. Do NFL coaches cover their lips with the menu at Denny’s when ordering as they do on the sidelines with the play chart? (Sonny Tate; Kingwood, Texas)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.