Love endures rough spots

Not all love stories are fairy tales with enchanted beginnings and magical endings. In fact the road from “once upon a time” to “happily ever after” is often bumpy and filled with detours. It takes courage and commitment to keep a marriage together, and sometimes – a miracle.

In June 1999 Paul and Melissa Weller’s 18-year marriage was basically over. “It’s the piling up of small disagreements that hurt a marriage,” Paul said. He mimicked a knife making small slices on his arm, comparing the state of their relationship to an accumulation of wounds that never healed properly. “You can live in the same house and hide out,” he said.

His wife agreed. “We’d been living separate lives, like roommates – angry roommates.”

Of course that’s not the way things began. The couple met at Gonzaga University. Melissa, a religious studies major, was just finishing her degree. Paul, who’d graduated several years earlier, saw Melissa at a lecture he attended.

He struck up a conversation but she brushed him off. “I asked her where she lived,” Paul recalled. “She said, ‘In a house.’ I wasn’t at all deterred, I just kept the conversation going.”

“I’d given up on men,” said Melissa. “I’d spent a lot of time at the college law library being hit on by law students.”

And yet she did want a husband. In fact she had a list of requirements that only the right man could fill. He had to have a job, be Catholic, own a car and have blue eyes.

Paul, seven years her senior, and an elementary school teacher, met every expectation.

He found out where she lived and showed up at the house. Soon, they began dating. The turning point in the relationship came one when Melissa told Paul she wanted to be a nun. Her persistent and patient suitor took her hand and said, “There are other ways to serve God, besides being a nun.”

They grew closer. They read the Bible and prayed together. And one evening after reading “Song of Solomon,” they kissed. Years later Paul still grows flustered recalling that moment. “It was a kiss,” he stammered. “It was like wow!” In the living room of their South Hill home, they both laughed softly.

The couple married in March of 1981. On their first anniversary, Paul turned to Melissa and said, “It’s been a pretty good year.” And his bride began to cry.

“I left my world and entered Paul’s,” she said. “I honestly thought that to be happy I needed to give up my world. I now know that’s a recipe for disaster. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, and then I started having babies.”

The Wellers have four children. Their youngest recently graduated from high school.

Paul said of their marriage, “I was disappointed. When we had disagreements we didn’t know how to work through them.”

In 1999 he heard about Retrouvaille (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i). Billed as a “lifeline for troubled marriages,” Retrouvaille is a Christian peer ministry that begins with a weekend retreat. While Catholic in origin, the program is open to all married couples regardless of religious background.

Knowing their marriage wouldn’t survive much longer, Paul asked Melissa to attend the retreat with him. She refused. He persisted and finally she agreed. “Without ever mentioning divorce we both had come to the conclusion that if this didn’t work, our marriage was over,” said Paul.

The thing about miracles is they usually show up when all seems lost. That’s just what happened for the Wellers.

“We were in tears from the first night,” Melissa said. Her husband added, “On that very first weekend we experienced a deeper understanding of each other’s love … and pain. I knew that I wanted to stay married to Melissa and I knew that I loved her.”

The Retrouvaille weekend is followed by seven follow-up sessions. As the Wellers learned to express their hurts, fears and disappointment in appropriate ways, they also discovered tools to enable them to handle conflict. “Retrouvaille helps people connect with what got them together in the first place,” Melissa said.

For other couples who may be struggling she added, “Don’t give up, do whatever it takes. There’s hope … .”

Now, 26 years after the wedding day, when asked if his marriage has been worth the bumpy road they’ve traveled, Paul’s eyes pooled with unshed tears. “If I didn’t have Melissa, it would be like losing the most valuable part of my life,” he paused and swallowed. “It can’t be put into words how precious our marriage is to me.”

Melissa responded, “This is the relationship I always wanted and dreamed of. Do you know the book “Corduroy” by Don Freeman? When the bear goes home with the girl he says to her, ‘You must be a friend. I’ve always wanted a friend.’ That’s what this is like.”