Harriette Cole: Sadly, death wish may come true

Dear Harriette: My wife of three and a half years has chosen crack cocaine over me and her grown children from another marriage. We have tried every type of treatment, to no avail. At the age of 54, she seems to have a death wish and is using the drugs to achieve that end. I have given up on her, I am fed up and I do not feel anything for her anymore. Am I right to give up, or should I keep trying? — Bruce, Uniondale, N.Y.

Dear Bruce: The school of tough love says you have to let your wife hit rock bottom by herself. Crack is a very dangerous drug, and you do not have the capacity to win the battle over it. If you are a person of faith, you can definitely pray for her recovery. But more, you have to take action.

That action requires giving your wife an ultimatum: Go get help, or one of you leaves your home. Be ready to walk away and allow her to find her own way — as hard as this may seem.

It’s possible your firm decision and your departure will shock her into making wiser choices for herself, including getting the help she needs.

You can leave her literature about getting sober, including phone numbers for a drug-abuse hotline in your area (look online for the nearest location of Narcotics Anonymous, www.na.org).

But get away before you go down with her. If she gets clean, you may consider taking her back.