Get free gas for beating his ghastly guzzler

Gasoline prices are again soaring higher than a Gonzaga University rebounder on magic mushrooms.

Analysts say we may soon be looking at $3-a-gallon gas, which could provoke more panic at the pump.

That could really put a crimp in summer vacation plans. For Spokane residents, it might mean skipping a trip to see the bears feed at Glacier National Park to stay home and watch the bare freaks at High Bridge Park.

But I feel your gas pains. So today I am launching my Infernal Combustion Contest to help lighten the load.

The rules are easier than running a red light at Sprague and Monroe. All you have to do is convince me that your land yacht gets even WORSE gas mileage than my 1967 Oldsmobile Vista Guzzler. The top three gas hogs will each win $25 worth of free fuel.

Contact me via the information below. Please note that your entry won’t count if you drive a tank as part of your National Guard duty. Ditto on piloting farm equipment, garbage trucks, concrete mixers.

I’m looking for brave individualists like me: red-blooded Americans who aren’t afraid to drive vehicles that are as environmentally friendly as a strip mine.

On Monday, I took my vintage sky wagon out of winter mothballs for a morning run to Coeur d’Alene. I wanted to help celebrate the 100th anniversary of Hudson’s Hamburgers by ordering my favorite, a double-cheese pickle.

I figured I might as well check the mileage as long as I’d be eating up some freeway miles, too.

Big mistake.

The round trip took $17.64 in gas. Which meant the Huddy burger and diet pop cost me $23.47.

That’s one pricey burger. Even as yummy as they are, I should get champagne and a floor show for $23.47.

Here’s the bad news: I averaged not much over 10 miles per gallon. And this was highway mileage. I shiver to think how many gallons to the block I burn driving up Division.

But that’s just one half of my misery.

If I don’t feed my car premium gas ($2.799 a gallon for this trip), it knocks louder than a jealous husband at a by-the-hour motel.

My Olds also has an irritating peculiarity, and I don’t mean the scratchy AM radio or the clanking heater fan. I’m talking about a deceptive fuel gauge that can lull the driver into a false state of economy.

Before heading east on I-90, I topped my tank off at a downtown Chevron. The fuel needle stayed buried to the right all the way to Coeur d’Alene.

This got me thinking: “Hey, maybe my bad mileage healed itself while it was hibernating in the garage all winter.” (I have a very poor understanding of mechanics.)

Anyway, on my return trip the gas needle stayed on full – until I passed the state line. Suddenly, the needle started wobbling back and forth like a frat boy on spring break. “That can’t be good,” I muttered.

At least my mileage is better than when I purchased the restored station wagon.

The first time I crunched the numbers I almost fell over. It was getting a horrific 5.87 mpg.

But my pals at Fitzgerald Motors discovered that the engine (named a Jetfire presumably for its fossil fuel consumption) hadn’t been timed properly, whatever that means.

So can you out-guzzle my Vista Guzzler? Is your car/pickup a fossil fuel fiasco? Tell me your sad stories of the road. You might get lucky and win $25 in free gas.

Then you can go nuts and buy a Huddy burger, too.