Election Night calls for fresh rhetoric from defeated

In a few hours, Election 2007 will pass like tainted corndogs though a fairgoer.

Enough of our mail-in ballots should be tallied tonight to reveal the victors and the vanquished in all but the closest contests. In other places the polls will close the old-fashioned way.

But no matter which system is used, we voters will be exposed to a flaw in the democratic process that is in dire need of a Doug Clark overhaul. And by that I mean …

The concession speech.

Can anything be more transparently fake?

Week after week we’ve gleefully watched candidates chew each other up like zombie cannibals in a George Romero movie.

Once the verdict is delivered, however, the beaten will attempt to act gracious.

“I’d like to congratulate my worthy opponent for waging a hard-fought campaign and …”

Oh, please. Pass me the barf bag.

Nothing sucks the entertainment value out of Election Night faster than a magnanimous loser.

Take the Spokane mayor’s race. Dennis Hession and Mary Verner veered off the High Road about 612 debates ago.

Since then, they’ve engaged in a demolition derby down Interstate Nasty.

They’ve been slamming each other around like Predator vs. Alien.

SPOUSAL LEASH LAW UPDATE – I am relieved to see that the mayor’s wife, Jane Hession, has been cleared of unnecessary roughness against a protester outside one of the debate venues. There is also no truth to the rumor that Jane and the protester will square off in a full contact cage match at Northern Quest Casino.

Mark my words, people. Sometime tonight, either Mayor Hession or Councilwoman Verner will face the news cameras and – gasp! – feign civility.

It’s time these dog and phony shows came to an end.

So I have devised the following “keep-it-real” Concessional Speech that I expect all defeated candidates to adhere to. This speech lets spoilsport losers select the italicized venomous verbiage that best fits his or her PPQ (Political Pettiness Quotient).

…

My fellow Americans.

The votes have been counted. It’s become painfully clear that I have been (1. Cheated. 2.Hornswaggled. 3. Violated like a punk in a prison cell).

I therefore must concede the race to my opponent, that (1. Ass-hat. 2. Commie stooge. 3. Spawn of Satan).

I wish I could accept some of the blame. But the truth is that my humiliating defeat is entirely due to (1. The biased mad-dog media. 2. My inept and lazy campaign staffers. 3. Imbecilic voters).

If only you supporters had worked harder. I wouldn’t be standing here looking like (1. A political has-been. 2. A high school dropout. 3. A reject from a Spokane homeless tent camp).

Many of you have asked about what I will do now that the election is over.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that 10 minutes from now I’ll be (1. In a state of clinical depression. 2.Chugging my 17th shot of Jagermeister. 3. Fleeing the country with what’s left of the campaign funds).

But I’m an optimist. I know that with time and (1. Self-delusion. 2. A mountain of cocaine. 3. $1,000-a-night hookers) the pain of this will eventually become bearable.

And so I’d like to close by thanking those enlightened voters who marked their ballots for yours truly.

The rest of you can (1. Take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. 2. Contract the bubonic plague. 3. Bend over and smooch my rosy red …)