Santa’s coming to town way too early

Dear Santa,

Honey, what’s up?

I’m beginning to worry about you, old pal. I mean, it’s Nov. 10 and you are arriving at two of our malls today. You can tell me anything – are the elves driving you batty? Is it the last-minute lead testing of all those toys? Don’t tell me it’s Mrs. Claus. Seriously, I know you guys had a difficult time earlier this year, when the ice began to melt and all that, but don’t just throw your marriage away – you guys are such a team together.

Is it global warming that’s impacting your flight pattern? I can send you one of those GSP (global sled positioning) gizmos.

We’ve barely switched back to standard time and wham bam here you are, seven weeks before Christmas, beard flying, candy canes at the ready – I really don’t remember you ever being that desperate for attention.

Can’t you tell it’s way too early?

By the time Dec. 24 rolls around we are all going to be Santa’d out.

The last three weeks before Christmas you are going to be sitting there alone, with a cold and unoccupied lap, because every child in the four surrounding states and the two closest Canadian provinces, plus every bachelorette and office party, have already sat in your lap. Twice.

I guess you can always hope for a surge in childbirths right before the 24th so there will be a pile of newborns in cute little Christmas outfits.

Please, Santa, don’t do this to us. We love you – but you know what they say about overstaying your invitation and growing stale and all that.

I mean, you simply can’t demand our attention for seven weeks in a row – not even Britney Spears gets that.

And what’s with leaving the reindeer at home, old fellow?

I’m thinking the PETA folks really must have gotten to you with their animal rights campaigns. You’ve sold out, man. Driving up to the mall in a 2008 SUV is just not your style, no matter what kind of kickback they are giving you.

What is Rudolph going to do with himself? It’s extremely difficult to change careers at his age, especially considering he’s only had that one job for you, all his life.

I also don’t get the wireless thing you are doing at the other mall. I know you like getting letters from people all over the world, and I can understand how e-mail is a bit more practical these days – but seriously, haven’t you been wireless from day one?

Just think of that Christmas song:

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.”

This is just bad.

And to all you marketing folks out there suffering from premature Christmas excitement – look up Advent calendar in the dictionary.

It’s this nifty little gadget that counts the days in December – from the first to the 24th – as a way to measure the time until Christmas. By most standards, 24 days is plenty of time to create a joyful Christmas mood and build up appropriate anticipation.

After Thanksgiving.

I know the retail season is short and it’s not looking too hot, what with wartime, toys full of lead and date rape drugs, mortgage bubbles bursting, credit card debt and all that, but twisting Santa’s arm to show up earlier and earlier is just going to make us sick of Christmas before it even gets here.

Coming soon to a mall near you: the Easter Bunny on New Year’s Day – please say it ain’t so.