‘I GAVE!’ buttons are hot, hot, hot

I have learned a very important lesson about giving.

Ask people to donate a dollar to feed the hungry and they will invariably give you more.

On the other hand, hit people up for thousands to spend on solid gold toilets and they will make you a TV evangelist.

The point is that the “I Gave. Really. I GAVE!” button campaign I launched last week brought in a whopping and unexpected $696.75 for the Second Harvest Food Bank.

Three generous souls gave $100 each for the cause. A couple of $50 donations came in, too.

Denny Hegewald, of Spokane Valley, sent a check along with a coupon good for a free cheeseburger and drink from Ron’s Drive-In.

Speaking of free grub, Elaine Rising, of Valleyford, sent her donation with two tickets to a Chinese lunch.

That really got my mouth a’watering. Until I looked at the date on the invitations, that is.

Nov. 10, 2007.

I love my wacky readers.

To recap the premise of my latest reindeer game …

The overabundance of seasonal charity requests had me feeling a little less than holly jolly. Every time I turned around, some new hand was digging into my pocket.

So I dreamed up the above lapel button that, when worn, will show every bell tinkler, fundraising volunteer or grocery store food driver that you are NOT a Scrooge.

See the button, pal?

I already gave!

(Think of this as a yuletide variation of the old garlic/vampire concept.)

And so I had 50 or so of the metal red-and-green buttons made. Then I put out the call. Anyone sending me a buck (or more) would get a button and an automatic membership in the Doug Clark Guilt-Free Givers Association.

Please note that every cent collected goes to the food bank.

Unfortunately, success has its drawbacks. There were more requests for buttons than buttons.

This is called supply and demand. As all economics majors know, supply and demand is the rule that guides every American enterprise from Big Oil to your neighborhood crack dealer.

My stockpile was so depleted that I even mailed off my own personal button, which has made me vulnerable once again to the bell tinklers.

And so I ordered another 50 buttons from my source, an affable man who is too shy to see his name in the newspaper. (Or perhaps he has standards and doesn’t want to be associated with me.)

Anyway, the buttons should be here by Wednesday. I’m hoping enough orders pour in to boost our food bank haul to $1,000-plus.

But here’s the deal: This will be the last of them. If you want to be guilt-free for the holidays you MUST ACT NOW.

It took me most of Monday to sort through the orders and mail off the buttons. The letters came from all over the area: Medical Lake, Colville and Kingston, Idaho, Nine Mile Falls …

Some of the notes accompanying the donations were a joy to receive.

“Please send me one of your ‘I Gave’ buttons,” wrote Spokane’s K.L. Mote. “I went to Kmart, Target and Shopko yesterday to get a head start on the crowds and donated to Salvation Army kettles at all three. You can see I need your help.”

Sometimes I feel just like Mother Teresa. Or Oprah.

John Roberge obviously mailed his check prior to the Apple Cup. “I thought of using the double sawbuck to bet against the Cougs,” the Post Falls resident wrote. “But that would be the time they did something right.”

Smart choice, John.

“Sir. Please send me one of your good for nothing buttons,” wrote Spokane’s Ned Minzel, who enclosed a check for $5.75.

And a bah humbug to you, too, Ned.

Shirley Sandberg, of Moses Lake, wrote: “Every once in a while you come up with something brilliant and worthwhile.”

I’ve heard the same thing said about the blind pig and the acorn.

And let me leave you with my favorite letter, which came from Shadd Soth, of Spokane.

“Thanks for your wonderfully abundant cynicism, wit and humor year round! … Here is my donation to the food bank. By the way, I also gave you a write-in vote for the Court of Appeals.

“Have a damn drunken Holiday Season.”

Finally. A reader who gets me.