Legs not working, but hands are clean
SWAT teams poured into Geiger Corrections Center last week to subdue four drunken and disorderly inmates who were buzzed out of their gourds on a concoction of Kool-Aid and Purell hand sanitizer.
Correction – SWAT teams did not respond to Geiger, as previously reported. It was actually the SOT team, an elite squad of sheriff’s office bartenders.
Boozing behind bars? I can’t tell you how shocked I am by this appalling news.
Prison is supposed to be a punishment.
Why should inmates have all the fun?
Well, something must be done about this scandal and I’m definitely the guy to compound it.
So on Sunday I drove to a Fred Meyer store, where I bought $18.35 worth of hand sanitizer and Kool-Aid. (Wait ‘til the bean counters see that on my reimbursement form.)
Here’s a tip: The more discreet “scan-it-yourself” checkout line is the way to go when purchasing embarrassing items. The last thing a high-profile guy like me needs is for some smart-aleck checker to give me one of those brow-raising looks while he’s ringing up my alternative booze supplies. Or adult diapers.
Anyway, I’m working from home today. That way I can get around the S-R’s archaic “no drinking on the job” policy. As I write these words I will be taste-testing several convict cocktails of my own creation.
I know. I know. Some of you readers are going to accuse me of setting a horrible example for the children.
And to you, I say: Aw, come on. Can the math scores get any worse?
OK. And now for the first drink, which I have dubbed “The Geigerita.”
Mix one shot Purell with aloe (which has a lovely greenish tint) into glass filled with Tropical Punch Kool-Aid.
Stir swiftly. And …
Holy Mother of Zeus!
This stuff tastes like it was strained though Charlie Manson’s skivvies.
I have a whole new appreciation for the incarcerated. It takes great courage to get high on hand sanitizer.
Inmates never get enough credit for their creativity.
Think about it. Without prisoners there’d be no toothbrush shivs, no knotted bedsheet ladders, no pen-barrel zip guns.
And what about the felons who hide dope-filled balloons inside their anal recesses?
That takes some kinda nerve.
Whew. That Geigerita packs a wullup.
Did I say wullup? Har. I meant wallop.
Anyhoo, inmates have been making alcoholic wine from prunes and pieces of bread as long as there have been penal institutions.
But this Purell thing – now that’s using the ol’ criminal noggin.
OK. For my next cockatiel, I give you: “The Lethal Ingestion.”
Mix one shot of regular clear Purell into a glass of Cherry Kool-Aid. (I bought the Kool-Aid “Singles” cuz the shugar is already in there. Don’t have to mix nuthin, man.)
Just stir. And …
Whoa, mama. That’s like tonguing the sidewalk in fronta the buzz Plaza.
Mosta the folks I hang with din’t no that handitizer could substitute fer hooch.
But hey! Dudes. Check out the back of the Purell bottle.
Know what it says? It says 62 percent ethyl alcohol.
Sixty-two percent! That’s like gettin a blood transfusinon from Keith Richards.
The front of the bottle claims it “kills 99.99% of Germans.”
That’s weird. Bet it duz a purty fair job wiping out brain cells, too.
OK. Dink number three: “The Grape Raper.”
That’s cuz I’m mixing grape Kool-Aid with a purplish Kroger brand knock off of PUrelll.
Aw, screw it. I’ll just take a pull straight outta the ol’ Kroger.
Man. That’sOooh. It’s like lavender Lysol.
What cud the Purell people have aganst Germans?
Everybody sing now:
Dunca Shaaane. Oh, auf weidershane …
EDITOR’S NOTE: Mr. Clark was found sitting naked in a tree outside his home Monday afternoon, chugging from a bottle of hand sanitizer and claiming to be Archduke Ferdinand. He was transported to a rehab facility and his column will return just as soon as he is released.