Patriots going unbeaten? Slouch says it won’t happen

The New England Patriots are 5-0 and, according to everyone from Boston sports punks to national sports pundits, headed toward an historic unbeaten season. Indeed, the Patriots are playing superbly. Then again, I recall Paul Tsongas looking pretty sharp early on in the 1992 Democratic presidential season.

Anyway, the media masses have declared this race over.

(Yes, Couch Slouch is perturbed. I’m tired of talking heads telling us how great teams are when they’re winning and how lousy they are when they’re losing. On TV, everyone’s an expert after the fact – if studio shows were around in biblical times, Sean Salisbury would’ve told us the next day that David had “the perfect game plan” to slay Goliath with a slingshot.)

Last week on “Monday Night Football,” one of the analysts – not the former quarterback – said these Patriots on offense resembled the ‘27 Yankees’ Murderer’s Row. Hmm. Combs, Ruth, Gehrig, Meusel, Lazzeri – that’s Murderer’s Row. Maroney, Brady, Stallworth, Welker, Moss – that’s, uh, Misdemeanor’s Row.

Last week on “Monday Night Football,” the other analyst – not the former sportswriter – said of the Patriots’ success, “This is a single-minded organization. The objective is to win football games.” Which, I guess, separates them from, say, the Colts, the Raiders and the Cowboys, whose objective is to bring peace to the Middle East.

Praising the Patriots nowadays includes the deification of Tom Brady, Randy Moss and Bill Belichick. I will allow this for Brady – he keeps winning games and he exudes class on the field – but I cannot allow this for the patchy Moss or the petulant Belichick.

(Team of Destiny interlude: Yo, Matt Leinart – like Tom Brady, you’re good-looking, you throw a nice pass and you have a child out of wedlock. The similarities end there. He has three Super Bowl rings, you’ve got a cocktail waitress’ phone number. So stop whining about your new coach in Arizona trying to win games.)

In celebrating Moss, a “Monday Night Football” sideline reporter – not the one Joe Namath tried to kiss – told us that his teammates talked about how “smart” he is. Really?

He’s certainly not “book- smart” – when Moss attended Marshall University, I do not believe there were any books on campus his junior or senior years.

He’s certainly not “street- smart” – Moss has had a couple of brushes with the law, and each time the law won.

He’s certainly not “game- smart” – you never hear anyone say, “Randy’s like having an extra coach on the field, well, that is, when he stays on the field.”

He doesn’t block anybody. He doesn’t tackle anybody. And, occasionally, on the snap of the ball, he doesn’t resemble anybody. When the going’s good, he can be great; when the going’s not good, he’s got Ricky Williams on speed-dial.

As for the genius Belichick, no one can deny the greatness of winning three Super Bowls in a four-year stretch, but those genuflecting in front of his hood and wink seem to forget that he was Norv Turner before he became Knute Rockne.

Here is Belichick’s complete NFL head-coaching record:

•36-44 with the Browns (1991-95)

•0-0 with the Jets (Jan. 3-4, 2000)

•80-37 with the Patriots (2000-present)

(Apparently Belichick did not have the players – or technology – to succeed in Cleveland. Apparently he didn’t have the backbone to last more than 17 hours in New Jersey.)

Genius or not, Belichick’s Patriots are not going 16-0. Heck, I can tell you right now that Indianapolis and Pittsburgh are better, that the Patriots might even suffer a three-game losing streak late in the season, that this coronation-in-progress is preposterous for a team that will be watching Super Bowl 42 from the sidelines, maybe at the home of Belichick, whom I’m sure has a fabulous video/entertainment center.

This is simply my interpretation of the game’s rules, and if I have made a mistake here, I want to apologize to everyone who has been affected, most of all Patriots ownership, staff and players.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Is it safe to assume The Slouch was bent out of shape when instant replay became a baseball issue last week? (Tom Lauria; Milwaukee)

A. At this point of my life, I wake up bent out of shape, shower bent out of shape, eat sushi bent out of shape and fall asleep watching Bowflex infomercials bent out of shape.

Q. Considering their California roots, athletic greatness and like-mindedness, how did M*rion Jones and B*rry Bonds never hook up? (Joe Visco; Houston)

A. Jones always self-parked at BALCO, Bonds used valet.

Q. If you’re Isiah Thomas, do you appeal that guilty verdict? (David Bridges; Olney, Md.)

A. Only if he can get Tim Donaghy as the judge.

Q. I need a larger house with bedroom suites in order to remain competitive. Should I sell to local investors or relocate to a city willing to fund new construction? (Jeffrey Walch; Pittsburgh)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.