Harriette Cole: Tragic death taps feelings of regret, remorse

Dear Harriette: I lost my mother a couple of years ago. She was ill with rheumatoid arthritis and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, from osteoporosis and asthma. I was close to her all my life. She never accepted her illness, though she was very crippled at the end (completely bent over like a candy cane).

Watching my mother deteriorate this way is something I cannot seem to get past. Do you have any suggestions as to how to deal with regrets — especially regrets that cannot be rectified because the person is gone?

There were so many times I wish I had displayed more patience with her. I know that her pain was constant and that she suffered for so long. I am quite confused and need some guidance to see whether there’s a way I can move forward. — Tandy, Salt Lake City, Utah

Dear Tandy: I want to remind you of something you said at the beginning of your letter — that you were very close to your mother all your life.

She felt your love. She knew you wanted the best for her. Keep those thoughts top of mind.

I have two more recommendations as well. First, get a physical. Ask your doctor to check your body specifically for your mother’s illnesses.

You should take extra precautions, under your doctor’s care, to do all you can to prevent the extreme health conditions that your mother endured. You may or may not be successful. Rheumatoid arthritis is a degenerative disease, as is osteoporosis, yet doctors today do have regimens to help fortify the body early on, which may help in later years. Be proactive for your own health.

Second, get some mental-health support. Losing your mother has hit you hard, which is natural. Go to a grief counselor who can help explore and resolve your feelings. In time, you should be able to let go of your guilt.