Avast ye! Check out Portland

Once, at a family gathering, my Aunt Lorna had had enough.

And here’s how she expressed her frustration: “This isn’t loud boys’ day!”

Now, I love my aunt. But she was dead wrong.

In my family, every day is loud boys’ day. If you listen closely, you may be able to hear them right now.

Sheer volume doesn’t satisfy these cats, either.

For instance: A couple of years ago, my brothers and my cousin Trevor spent our entire Thanksgiving in pirate accents.

Thereafter, the holiday became known as ThanksGARving. And we’re stuck with it.

They may be on to something, though. It seems the Northwest harbors plenty of like-minded buccaneer wanna-bes – if the Portland Pirate Festival is any indication.

Nearly 10,000 of them flocked to the inaugural event last year. And with that record of success under their belts, festival organizers are all set to do it again, Sept. 22 and 23.

They promise tall ships, cannon and sword fighting demonstrations, music, dancing, historical re-enactments, “fine grub and grog” and more.

Some highlights:

“The Pirate’s Parrot Show” presents a variety of the birds from around the world, an “authentic” pirate ship display, and “delightful speech and freeflight performances.” At least that’s what the Web site says.

It also says that Captain Bogg & Salty has emerged as the ultimate pirate rock band. I had no idea that was a recognized genre, so I’m in no position to dispute their pre-eminence.

The entertainment continues with the Mud Bay Jugglers, Jugglemania, An Daire Academy of Irish Dance and Broadside Johnnie, performer of ballads, airs and sea shanties.

In the interest of high seas conflict, the King’s Navy – a local re-enactment group – has volunteered to stand in for members of the Royal Navy. Their hands-on demonstrations will give you a feel for the daily doings of an 18th century seafarer.

The Lynx, an updated replica of an 1812 privateer dispatched to dodge the British blockade of American ports, will also be in attendance, as will the Pirates of Puget Sound, armed with rapiers, cutlasses and general silliness.

For youngsters who tire of all the swashbuckling, the festival has set aside the “Scupper Monkey Island Kids Play Area,” complete with 30-foot slides, inflatable rides and a climbing wall. Or the whole family can bone up on pirate history in the “Pirate’s Plunder Bazaar.”

Tickets run from $6 for a one-day youth pass (ages 3 to 12) purchased in advance, to $20 for a two-day adult pass at the gate. Proceeds benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation of Oregon.

For details, visit www.portlandpirate festival.com or phone (503) 292-3418.

Necessity of mothers

“You kids are driving me crazy!!”

Sound familiar? Then you’re a prime candidate for the “Mommy’s Time Out” package at the Woodmark Hotel, Yacht Club & Spa, available Tuesday through Dec. 21.

Yes, your long, hard summer is coming to an end. So pack up those school lunches and run screaming to Kirkland, Wash., where you’ll be embraced for a day, starting with a welcome gift and a morning of spa treatments like the Woodmark European facial and massage.

While away the afternoon in your room doing as you please – which does not include listening to someone plaintively calling, “Mom? Mooooommmmmm!” from the other side of the door.

You can stay put until a luxurious 3 p.m., then collect your bottle of “Mommy’s Time Out” wine before you re-enter reality.

This little break in the action starts at $423 for a lake view room or $585 for a lakefront parlor suite. For a little more scratch you can actually stay the night and leave the family to fend for themselves – and learn to how to appreciate you better.

Make your reservations at www.thewoodmark.com or (800) 822-3700.

Regional events

•Montana Old Time Fiddler’s Convention and Annual Fiddling Show, Sept. 15, Lewistown, Mont. After the evening performance, kick up your heels at the post-show dance. And if that isn’t enough for you, please note the annual Chokecherry Festival will be in full swing, as well. ( www.visitmt.com/ 406-285-3823)

•Make it Alaskan Festival, Oct. 5-7, Anchorage. Browse through more than 250 booths of authentic Alaskan wares at the oldest and largest event of its kind in the state. ( www.anchorage.net/ 907-279-0618)

•Fall Brew Fest, Oct. 6, Boise. Just what you’d expect: microbrews, food, music, dancing, contests and more, all at Bogus Creek Ranch. ( www.boise.org/208-887-7880)

•Embracing the Wisdom of Nursing, Oct. 8-10, Detroit, Ore. Breitenbush Hot Springs hosts this “supportive circle of nurses” where you’ll “explore the concepts of: loving kindness, grace, compassion, quiet dignity and generosity of spirit.” ( www.breitenbush.com/ 503-854-3320)