Slouch: Big-time sports shouldn’t define school

To: The University of Maryland

From: Couch Slouch, Class of ‘81

Re: Fundraising

Recently I received a letter – one of many over the years – asking me to contribute money to my alma mater. Rather than reply privately – as I have many times over the years – I thought I’d give you my answer here:

No.

My answer will remain the same, for this and any subsequent lifetimes, as long as the school continues to foster, promote and cultivate big-time intercollegiate football and basketball. I hate to single out Maryland, because it is no more culpable than any one of dozens of other institutions of higher earning that keep pushing that loaded rock up the Division I hill, but other schools aren’t soliciting me for money.

Since I graduated from College Park a quarter-century ago, I understand academic standards have risen. Similarly, McDonald’s has begun offering healthier menu items. In either case, we’re not talking top-shelf education or nutrition.

I have nothing against Ralph Friedgen or Gary Williams. Coaching is their profession; they are paid to produce winning teams. But this type of activity is inappropriate at the university level. Until you change the culture of athletic worship, you cannot meet the challenges of the outside world.

I know, I know: Who doesn’t lap up the pageantry of college football on a fall Saturday afternoon? Who doesn’t get swept away in March Madness and the Final Four?

Please. The height of hypocrisy – as disingenuous a pursuit as any – college football and college basketball have nothing to do with college. They aren’t student-athletes; they are athletes paid practically nothing to create massive revenue for the school. They are minimum-wage drivers in the getaway car to the bank – and they don’t even have any auto insurance.

Our priorities are screwed up. We spend far too much time on fumbles and fast breaks. Why should a football coach be the face of the university? Why not an electrical and computer engineer who is doing breakthrough work in the areas of magnetism, nanotechnology and biochemical detection?

Should a bigger weight room ever be a priority? Do we even need a weight room? They’re student-athletes – have them lift some books once in a while! Start with thin volumes, like “The Cat in the Hat” and “The Old Man and the Sea,” and have them work their way up to “Look Homeward, Angel” and “Moby Dick.” Heck, the O-line should be able to bench-press “Don Quixote” by midseason.

Alas, we need to chart a new course.

Vanderbilt blew up its athletic department. You know what that’s called? A nice start.

Eastern Tennessee State University dropped its football program. So have Boston University, Morris Brown and Cal State Northridge. If you visit those campuses, you’ll find scholarly and blissful students going to science classes and sock hops!

I don’t expect you to disband the football and basketball programs tomorrow, though that’s the goal. At the moment I’d like to talk about the American Journalism Review, the media journal run by the University of Maryland Foundation.

I recently read that AJR might have to cease publishing – it’s $200,000 in the red. Two hundred grand? That’s three days of meals for the football team. Can’t someone step up here? If the football team gets, say, an extra quarter-million dollars a year in funding, maybe it goes from 7-4 to 8-3. What’s that, the difference between the Meineke Car Care Bowl and the Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl? But if AJR gets that same quarter-million dollars, it can actually impact the quality of information that flows through the veins of our fledgling democracy.

I’m going to throw in the first $1,000 to get AJR back on its feet. I’m asking some fellow Terps to follow my lead.

P.S. Beat Wake!

Ask The Slouch

Q. Yo, Slouch, Colt Brennan? Does Hawaii even play its games in pads? (David Dunn; Pittsburgh)

A. Yo, buddy, the Player of Destiny – wrapping up a 12-day, 8,600-mile road trip – completed 26 of 32 passes for 298 yards in Hawaii’s 49-14 win over UNLV. Brennan’s now completed 103 of 133 passes this season. He is Jackson Pollock with a better arm.

Q. Did anyone really believe Bill Belichick would be penalized severely by the NFL? Isn’t he exempt under the Patriot Act? (Bob Jacobs; Oregon, Wis.)

A. FYI: I have sent Belichick’s “apology” to a lab for testing; results are pending.

Q. Do you know if O.J. did it? (Marc Burke; Bartlett, Tenn.)

A. I doubt a crime occurred in that hotel room, but I saw him take a knife and two dinner rolls from the Palace Station buffet.

Q. Is it true that the University of Texas football playbook begins, “You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney”? (Preston Ivens; Sugar Land, Texas)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.