Ten tips to build a better relationship

If you are not feeling satisfied in your relationship, these tips will help you achieve that very important goal.

1. Recognize each other for your commitment and caring. The No. 1 motivator of people is recognition. Letting someone you love know he or she has added to your life just by being present is one of the highest compliments you can give.

2. Share in creating a positive and emotionally comfortable living environment. Love cannot thrive in a negative environment. If you have developed a “downer” lifestyle, where neither one of you tries to lift the other out of the doldrums, it prevents both of you from finding emotional and even physical comfort — no matter how great your lifestyle.

3. Make your relationship meaningful. Work together to create something worthwhile. Everyone wants to be part of something greater than they are. Whether it’s contributing to your community, your faith or the world, doing it as a couple will add depth and a sense of higher purpose to your relationship.

4. Be responsible for your actions. If you make a mistake, own up to it sooner rather than later and always do it completely. This gets it out of the way of your relationship and allows easier healing because neither of you has given the problem time to fester and grow.

5. Be accountable for your commitments. When you make a promise, keep it. Not remaining faithful to your word erodes the trust necessary for a relationship to not just stay alive but to thrive.

6. Balance the work and the rewards. Trade off household duties every now and then; it will help you and your partner feel you are in a balanced relationship. If you are in a relationship where one of you works and the other takes care of the home and children, you need to make sure the stay-at-home partner has equal access to the income and benefits that are brought into the relationship.

7. Help each other grow and learn. Encourage your partner to take care of himself or herself by getting educated and maintaining personal care. People who are not growing do not feel good about themselves and this will cause them to feel they are bringing less into their relationships.

8. Give your partner the opportunity to be his or her best. When you know your partner takes pride in certain tasks or personal endeavors, support her or him in succeeding at those things.

9. Understand your partner’s motivation and stresses. If you know your partner has difficulty talking with the accountant, dealing with the phone company or performing other tasks of living, take on that responsibility. If your partner responds to certain forms of kindness or affection, be sure you know how to give it, and offer those gifts.

10. Keep it interesting. Do nice things for no reason. (For example, I keep a few little gifts stashed so I can give them to my partner when she is having a difficult moment.) Greet your partner with enthusiasm when you see him or her at the end of the day and keep some spontaneity in the relationship.

Understanding the need to feel satisfied and contributing to that need in your relationship will make both of you happier people.

Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a marriage and family therapist in Westlake Village, Calif. He wrote “Emotional Fitness for Couples.