I confess to being embarrassingly out of step with my media brethren (and sistren) when it comes to presidential campaign coverage.

I should’ve genuflected to the marketing research showing that audiences crave quick snacks on the vices and virtues of candidates. I’ve been toiling in the vegetable garden of issues, when I should’ve been bagging up deep-fried junk. But I figure it’s never too late to drop the hoe and reach for the grease, so I tracked down a wizened pundit who is a composite of all the folks on TV.

As you can imagine, he was very busy. Fox was calling. CNN wanted him. MSNBC was being very insistent. He tells me that Mika Brzezinski is pushy, whereas Bill O’Reilly is merely forceful.

Anyway, I was able to grab a few moments of this fictional pundit’s time at the top of the hour, when the networks squeeze in the real news:

Me: “So, the deal with Obama is that he has a preacher problem?”

Pundit: “Yes. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright scares the bejesus out of white folks.”

Me: “And he’s running for office?”

Pundit: “Lordy, you have so much to learn about guilt by association. There’s the angry tone. The African-looking shirt thingy …”

Me: “Dashiki?”

Pundit: “Whatever. It’s foreign, like ‘Obama,’ which rhymes with …”

Me: “… Osama. I know. But what about that rural church in South Carolina that had the sign that read ‘Obama, Osama – humm, are they brothers’? That’s just mean.”

Pundit: “Those people vote.”

Me: “But why are they so bitter?”

Pundit: “You are new to this, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, John McCain says the Republicans ought to stay away from the Rev. Wright issue.”

Pundit: “Ha! That’s because of the Rev. John Hagee issue. He’s the televangelist who has called the Catholic Church ‘the great whore.’ ”

Me: “Wow! That’s awful. Was he wearing a dashiki when he said it?”

Pundit: “No, but McCain did seek and receive his endorsement. Problem is, the reverend also said Hurricane Katrina was caused by ‘a level of sin that was offensive to God.’ “

Me: “OK, that’s pretty horrible, but McCain doesn’t subscribe to those beliefs, right?”

Pundit: “Are you for real? Next you’re going to tell me that Bill Clinton’s affair isn’t Hillary’s fault.”

Me: “Well, it was a thought. So, let me try this one out: Geraldine Ferraro’s comments about Obama being black and that being an advantage for him … bad for Hillary?”

Pundit: “Yes.”

Me: “Even though she disavowed it?”

Pundit: “Yes.”

Me: “And disowned it?”

Pundit: “You’ve got it!”

Me: “Sweet! Can you hook me up with Mika?”