Every four years the teams gather for the competition. It’s the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. The Summer Olympics? No, the party conventions. They’re coming soon. Here’s what to expect:

Springboard diving – John McCain executes a perfect backflip with a two-and-a-half twist while explaining his newfound passion for offshore oil drilling. Obama belly flops in explaining how he’s still for public financing of campaigns, though he chose to opt out.

Platform diving – Desperate for something to report, the networks set aside 30 seconds for a discussion of the issues.

The marathon – Bill Clinton delivers a speech at the Democratic convention.

Fencing – Republicans get into spirited debates about immigration.

Steeplechase – Candidates tout faith-based initiatives to entice “values voters.”

Powerlifting – Politicians hoist alcoholic beverages.

The vault – Lobbyists quietly pick up the tab.

Skeet – Dick Cheney protests when he isn’t allowed to bring his shotgun.

Clean and jerk – Rush Limbaugh beats his addiction and bashes Barack Obama.

Softball – Larry King interviews the candidates.

Balance beam – Judges from both parties decide whether reporters are leaning too much to the left or right.

Floor exercise – Reporters dash around convention halls looking for something – anything! – that passes for news.

High hurdles – Pundits continue their search for politicians who’ve gained seats of power without ever changing their minds or compromising.

Parallel bars – Reporters get equally drunk at each convention.

Broad jump – As Obama delivers his acceptance speech, the networks repeatedly cut to reaction shots of Hillary Clinton.

Shot put – Viewers take swigs of whiskey every time McCain says “my friends” or Obama utters “change.”

Uneven bars – To get a passing grade, Obama is expected to match the soaring rhetoric and impeccable delivery of his previous speeches. McCain just needs to get off the stage before breaking into one of those ghoulish grins.

Poll vault – Pundits repeatedly predict how much bounce the candidates will get from their conventions, with a special emphasis on whether they cleared the expectations bar.

Race walking – John Edwards is asked about his affair.

100 meter dash – Edwards tries to shake the paparazzi.