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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Building foundation for marriage


Kathy Finley, right, teaches a premarital counseling session at the St. Aloysius Parish Center  Feb. 4. Couples wanting to be married at St. Al's must go through the four-session class in which Finley talks about spirituality, sex and money. 
 (Jesse Tinsley / The Spokesman-Review)
Juan Juan Moses Correspondent

It’s Valentine’s Day, and with love in the air and no doubt on the mind of the star-crossed lovers, some people will surely be popping the big question today.

Once the object of their affection says “yes,” that’s when people like Kathy Finley step in. But Finley’s not a wedding planner; she teaches a premarital counseling class through St. Aloysius Roman Catholic Church on the campus of Gonzaga University.

Although the service is limited to couples planning on exchanging vows inside Catholic churches, Finley said premarital counseling would benefit all engaged couples.

Finley’s colleague, Barbie Olson, offers a similar program called New Beginning through the First Presbyterian Church. She said the class is open to any “seriously dating, engaged or newly married couples” regardless of creed.

Finley offers four two-hour sessions for a group of six to eight engaged couples at a time. After the group sessions, she follows up by meeting each couple individually for a two-hour individualized counseling. Finley, who has a degree in counseling and has been teaching a class on marriage at GU for 25 years, builds her workshop on the foundation of self-esteem.

“How we see ourselves is crucial as the foundation for all relationships,” she said. “How you see me (as a partner) is important. But how I see myself is even more important.”

Finley builds on that foundation by teaching communication and conflict-resolution skills.

“In marriage, as is in any relationship, ‘gunnysacking’ is not a good idea,” she said, adding that couples should be open to discussion when there is discord instead of putting their thoughts in the gunnysack. She also stresses that couples should make room for the gender differences in communication and keep their expectations realistic.

Finley devotes the third session to the roles of spirituality and sex in a marriage. Even though couples may share the same faith, they each see the world through their own lens and can view the same thing quite differently, she said. She teaches the couples how to honor that different view.

The last group session is called “Living in the Real World,” and covers practical things like jobs, children, in-laws and money. “All these things have a huge impact on a relationship,” Finley said. “We try to make them aware of what to expect.”

Finley sees the counseling as a finishing touch to a long journey that began in childhood and the beginning of a transition into marriage. To her, the way one is raised, the environment in which one grows up, his/her parents, family history, are all dynamics in a marriage. She calls those elements “the remote preparation.” And it is those “remote” elements on which she bases her final individual follow-up with each couple.

She makes sure that each couple is aware of the baggage they bring to the relationship. To understand where one comes from is the first step of good communication, she said.

“Sometimes, just love itself is not enough to pull things through. We all need to have the skill to make it work,” she said.

Finley has written a book on this subject titled “Building a Christian Marriage, 11 Essential Skills.” It is available on her Web site. Despite what the title suggests, the contents apply to all readers, religious as well as secular.