Manners matter, but …

Dear Harriette: Ever since I was young, my dad has taught my brothers and me to keep our elbows off the dinner table. I used to believe him when he said it was proper etiquette; however, as I grew older, I started to question this concept.

I eat at restaurants often and many times with people I respect. I want to have class, but I see people all of the time with their elbows on the dinner table. It’s hard to believe that all of these people are disobeying the laws of proper etiquette. I just want to know, once and for all: Are elbows on the dinner table disrespectful? — Daria, Bronx, N.Y.

Dear Daria: I was on a panel a few years ago with Peter Post (of the Emily Post lineage), and we had differing views on this topic. While it used to be considered proper that a person should NEVER put his or her elbows on the table, the rules have been relaxed. I was holding onto the standard notion that elbows should never find their way on a table or tablecloth. Peter suggested that in today’s society, the issue of elbows on the table has become relatively standard — it’s OK before food is served or after it is cleared away. He did not think it was such a big deal.

I subsequently have observed hundreds of people at meals in restaurants, at dinner parties and in homes, and have noticed that, as you suggest, quite astutely, “cultured” folk commonly place their elbows on the table at certain moments. My recommendation: beware of when your elbows move up to the table’s edge. It’s still far better, in my estimation, for forearms to rest on tables as opposed to elbows. But if you do intend to place them there, do make sure no food is nearby!

Dear Harriette: I become stressed when it’s time to buy birthday gifts for my friends, who come from all different social classes and living standards. It is difficult to decide how much to spend.

Is it rude to buy good friends something expensive, even if they can’t afford to reciprocate? I fear that it makes for a very uncomfortable situation. I’m sure they feel that they have to buy me something of equal value, even though I personally don’t care. What is the right thing to do? — Barb, Scarsdale, N.Y.

Dear Barb: When you consider the best gift to give someone you love, it’s wise to think of the person. Consider what gift would make that person smile. What would make your friend really happy? What would fill your friend’s cup without making your friend feel beholden in anyway afterward?

The answers are related to the nature of your friendship and your friend’s comfort all around. Listen to your intuition. If you believe a certain gift would be nice but would also make your friend feel obligated to reciprocate, don’t give it. Be more modest, but no less thoughtful.