Obese friend won’t face facts

Wed., March 19, 2008

Harriette Cole United Feature Syndicate

Dear Harriette: I just saw my best friend from high school for the first time in years, and she has put on so much weight. She probably weighs more than 300 pounds. She used to be a size 2. She doesn’t have children and is not married, but pretended as though nothing had changed. When I brought up the subject, she said that she has a few pounds to get rid of. I offered my support (I’m a nutritionist), but she just brushed me off. Would it be out of bounds for me to stay on her about her eating habits from a distance? Should I just let her be? — Marcy, Florissant, Mo.

Dear Marcy: If you truly want to be of help to your high-school friend, you will need to befriend her again. It will not work for you to jump back into her life to badger her, even if you believe it’s for her own good. She won’t listen to you. She knows she is overweight. If she calls it “a few pounds” to shed, she’s clearly not facing reality. The chance that she will listen to you will increase the more you work to be a lasting part of her life. Who knows why she has gained so much weight? It could be she’s depressed. It could be she is in the throes of a health challenge. It could be she’s lonely.

You are right to care about her and want to help. But the only way you will probably be able to help is to commit to being a part of her life again, to being her friend and going the distance with her on this journey to wellness.

Dear Harriette: My 6-year-old daughter’s a thumb sucker, and I cannot stand it anymore. My wife says that it’s a security thing, but it’s so nasty to see her little shriveled thumb, and she’s old enough to get over it. Ideas? — Dave, Silver Spring, Md.

Dear Dave: I have an admission. I believe I sucked my thumb secretly until junior high school. I hid it from my friends for sure and mostly from my family, although occasionally my parents or sisters would catch me in the act. Trust that my parents tried everything they could to get me to stop — fingernail polish, nasty lotions, humiliation, everything. I hate to tell you this, but nothing worked until I was ready to stop.

I have heard this story again and again from other families who have had to deal with this habit. I believe it has something to do with a feeling of insecurity and/or low self-esteem, issues that are common to young people as they are growing up. Some medical professionals, interestingly, suggest that thumb sucking is not such a horrible habit and that it usually disappears in time.

Your badgering won’t encourage her to stop any sooner. Instead, love her. Support her and be patient.

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