What can Brown do for you? Win games, then leave town
There are two certainties when you hire Larry Brown as your basketball coach:
1. He will win.*
2. He will leave.
(* Exception to this, of course, was his one-year drive-by in New York with the Isiah Thomas-cursed Knicks.)
When we last checked – as of 7 p.m. Eastern time yesterday – Brown, 68, was in Charlotte with the Bobcats, his 12th college or professional head coaching job in 37 seasons.
For many coaches, it’s “my way or the highway.”
For Brown, it’s “the highway is my way.”
Brown doesn’t unpack – he just leaves an open suitcase on the front lawn.
He’s the only coach in history to win an NCAA title (Kansas, 1988) and an NBA title (Pistons, 2001), the only person to coach two NBA franchises in the same season (Spurs and Clippers, 1991-92) and the only one to take seven different NBA teams to the playoffs.
He’s also the only person to ever be enshrined in the Basketball Hall of Fame and the United Airlines Dividend Miles Frequent Flyer Ring of Honor.
Brown’s mantra: Have Won, Will Travel.
When Brown takes his next coaching job – what, you think Charlotte is his final NBA stop? – he will have coached one-third of the teams in the league. This is the modern-day equivalent of Henry VIII sleeping with two-thirds of the Boleyn siblings.
Brown doesn’t have itchy feet, he has career psoriasis.
Most pop psychologists would tell you Brown clearly has commitment issues. He’s like a lot of guys who love the thrill of the hunt, but once they bag the deer or successfully romance a woman, they just want to pack up, go to Denny’s and move on.
Brown’s résumé is so long, it’s been optioned into an ABC miniseries.
Here are his coaching stops:
Carolina Cougars, ABA (1972-74); Denver Nuggets, ABA-NBA (1974-79); UCLA (1979-81); New Jersey Nets (1981-83); University of Kansas (1983-88); San Antonio Spurs (1988-92); Los Angeles Clippers (1992-93); Indiana Pacers (1993-97); Philadelphia 76ers (1997-2003); Detroit Pistons (2003-05); New York Knicks (2005-06); Charlotte Bobcats (last month and this month).
Technically, Brown’s first head coaching job came at Davidson College in 1972, but, in a change of heart that foreshadowed a lifetime of change, he left before the start of the season.
Even at hotels, Brown usually takes early checkout.
He has coached in all four time zones in the Lower 48. He has never coached in the same place twice, though he has coached twice in California – Los Angeles, in fact * – and twice in North Carolina.
(* L.A. is so big, he could’ve coached both NBA teams in town and several colleges – and moved to a different area code with every job.)
The biggest difference between Larry Brown and Marco Polo? Polo never traveled on back-to-back days.
Brown’s longest coaching stint was his six seasons with the 76ers, largely attributed to the fact that Delta lost his luggage for 5 ½ years when he moved to Philadelphia.
If he were an actor, I guarantee you he wouldn’t stick around for the cast party.
Undoubtedly, he has left behind dry cleaning in every city he’s ever lived in.
Brown’s ultimate dream, I believe, is to start a new job and give two weeks’ notice on the same day.
I am reminded of the old joke in which Brown shows up dutifully at the Pearly Gates.
“We have reviewed your record – you are a good coach and a good man,” Saint Peter tells him. “Welcome to heaven.”
“Great,” Brown says, “but I can’t stay long.”
Ask The Slouch
Q. Have you ever considered soccer therapy? You have some real issues with the beautiful game. (Nicolas O’Hara; Spokane)
A. Listen, pal, I’m not the one responsible for a team – the New York Red Bulls – advancing to the MLS Cup after winning 10 of 30 regular-season games.
Q. You and the rest of the mindless mob finally bullied Browns coach Romeo Crennel into a quarterback change. Satisfied? (Jim Haight; Memphis, Tenn.)
A. Sir, Derek Anderson could overthrow Yao Ming on a stepladder. Plus, he’s cost me a bet against ESPN Radio’s perpetually pattering Colin Cowherd.
Q. How can Missouri’s presidential voting still be too close to call? (Steve Ambrose; Rockville, Md.)
A. I assume the BCS is involved.
Q. Ivy League football coaches do not have state troopers to escort them off the field. Is that because they aren’t important enough or because they’re smart enough to find the locker room on their own? (Jim O’Connell; Carnegie, Pa.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Is it me, or does it seem like Al Harris plays for every NFL team? (George Stiner; Republic, Pa.)
A. Pay this fine fellow, too.