English? LPGA has a talking point

As you may have heard – if you speak English – the LPGA recently declared that everyone from the first hole to the 19th hole become fluent in Queen Elizabeth’s mother tongue.

Starting next year, it will require players to, well, for lack of a better term, talk American.

(Geez. A golfer needs to know English about as much as a microbiologist needs to know yoga.)

If you can’t speak English, the LPGA originally threatened, you could be suspended.

(If Hollywood had that rule, Jackie Chan doesn’t gross $347 million worldwide for New Line Cinema in “Rush Hour 2.”)

(And what if all NBA players had to be conversant in English? Ninety percent of the league’s rosters would be filled by Duke grads; the other 10 percent would foul out committing charges.)

The last LPGA commissioner wanted players on tour to dress sexier. This one wants them to speak eighth-grade English. Why doesn’t the LPGA just kill two birdies with one stone and hire Las Vegas cocktail waitresses?

The LPGA problem starts with foreign dominance of its tour events. Of the 26 countries represented on the LPGA Tour, 25 of them are not the United States. And 45 of the 121 players on tour are South Koreans, many of which keep winning.

There is a simple term for this: Un-American.

(Or, as they say – when in Rome, do as the Romans do; when on a U.S. golf course televised by a U.S. network and sponsored by U.S. corporations, better to be John Daly than Se Ri Pak.)

(Meanwhile, a White House spokesman said if the LPGA’s South Korean problem persists, the U.S. would consider bombing Iran.)

In the LPGA’s defense, this is a plain attempt at improving customer relations – it wants its employees to relate better to the public and to the sponsors. But cable companies don’t even pretend to care about customer relations and, even in a bad year, they make more money than Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer combined.

(Actually, if the LPGA wants to market its athletes better, it might do well to have them roller-skate through Hooters shouting out, “Fore!” every Monday night.)

The LPGA started a program in 2006 to help international players learn English and immerse them in American culture. Many U.S. cities have operated a similar program for years: It’s called McDonald’s.

Alas, speaking passable English is overrated. Socrates, Vasco da Gama, Michelangelo, Johann Sebastian Bach, Harpo Marx – none of them spoke a word of English, all of them were brilliant!

And, frankly, I can think of at least three groups that thrive in America without speaking English:

Sportscasters: These are some of the highest-paid workers in the nation, and, at best, English is their second language.* They misuse it and they mangle it. They are seldom clear and to the point; they substitute pained speaking for plain speaking. They obfuscate so much, they ought to run for office.

(*-In the case of Dick Vitale, Bill Raftery and Clark Kellogg, they speak a language loosely based on English and patterned more on the mating call of the wildebeest.)

Politicians: Speaking of running for office, in what other line of work can you routinely manipulate, mislead and outright lie – essentially, use English as your weapon of mass deception – and wave to the crowd? I still have this recurring nightmare in which I’m rolling toward hell in a hand basket and Bill Clinton is running alongside, reassuring me that we’re headed to Dairy Queen.

Cab drivers: Back in the day, you would hail a taxi, jump in, shut the door and say, “I need to get to 89th and Amsterdam, on the double!” and the cabbie would floor it and get you to 89th and Amsterdam in a flash. Nowadays, you jump in and say, “Get me to 89th and Amsterdam, on the double!” and the cabbie will turn around and say, “Where you go?”

Anyway, although the LPGA’s new rule makes business sense, golfers – anyone, for that matter – should be wary of people telling them how to dress or how to talk. Next thing you know, Augusta National Golf Club will require all its members to wear pants. Oh, that’s right – they already do. Sorry, gals.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Now that Schlitz is back, will you be switching to “the beer that made Milwaukee famous?” And is Milwaukee really famous? (Ed Wintermantel; Pittsburgh)

A. Schlitz is owned by Pabst, so I wouldn’t throw Eva Longoria out of bed for drinking it. And, yes, Milwaukee is really famous – where do you think Laverne and Shirley lived?

Q. I don’t mean to rile you up, but how might you feel about replay review in baseball? (Brian King; Missouri City, Texas)

A. I believe it’s the first step to universal health care.

Q. Chad Ocho Cinco? (Ron Gould; Seattle)

A. Chad Poco Loco.

Q. When a pitcher throws a simulated game, do they use ghost runners? (Marty Curry; Cleveland)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.