Clash of conservationism

If one is firmly committed to the environment, but a roommate or significant other isn’t as much, what do you do? A Green intervention on this dirty use-o-holic may be possible, but if a loved one ardently opposed to conservation ever suspects they’re being asked to change their cantankerously inefficient lifestyle simply for the environment’s sake, the battle is already lost. The trick is trickery. Omit words such as “movement” and “Al Gore” when describing the benefits of loving the Earth. Focus instead on appealing to self-centered nature by forming an inextricable link in their mind between gluttonous consumption, the recession, the upcoming holiday gift-buying season and the terrifying prospect of sliding down society’s economic chute to “new poor.” Explain the merits of living the original incentive-based lifestyle of moderation, known commonly as “Old Poor,” but don’t refer to it as that. Old Poor has been around since briefly after the dawn of man but is rarely appreciated for its environmental savings so much as its financial ones. This makes it the perfect Trojan horse to slip inside the mental gates of a person who believes recycling is a dirty word yet is also concerned about the price of wrapping paper. A relevant way to start the recovery discussion these days is to nonchalantly mention the possible downsides of driving an unnecessary gas-guzzler. Some in the Green crowd likely feel that SUVs make better life-size Tetris cubes in wrecking yards than effective, efficient tools for short trips to the market, but whatever you do, don’t bring this up to a spouse that still loves their 12mpg behemoth. Instead, start off by working to quell fears of socio-economic mingling commonly associated with riding the bus! It may come as a shock to your gas-happy Honey Bunny, but public transportation really does offer cheap travel to the masses in addition to cheap rent to the homeless. In fact, most people that ride the bus are employed and channel their murderous rage toward performing a job that keeps them financially solvent, just like Bunny! A monthly pass on Spokane Transit Authority is around $30 per month; less expensive than filling your gas tank. On the sneaky green side, there are now nine hybrid busses in STA’s fleet that are expected to save between 31,000 and 35,000 gallons of fuel over a standard diesel-powered coach in a 12-year life cycle and produce 352 tons less carbon dioxide. THREE MONTHS LATER Bunny’s on the bus, and that’s a success story, but there are still plenty of young use-o-holic roommates out there whose energy consumption is rivaled only by their beer intake. Shift gears with your approach to these creatures as spousal wiles have little effect on their crusty demeanors. The trick here is not to rehabilitate, but to train with swift discipline and rewarding treats. “No! Bad! Turn of that damned light when you leave your room! Good, good! Two extra minutes on your hot shower tonight!” With a brains the size of their checking accounts, it’s best to start Roomies off with basic electricity/water conservation training and work them up from there as the financial payoffs begin appearing on the monthly utility bill. For male pupils, take advantage of the unwitting progress they’ve most likely already made this time of year by neglecting to shave. Encourage them to grow a full, lustrous beard. Call it a “face cozy”. When paired with a sweater and extra blankets on their sleep cushion, it should be possible to decrease the amount of heat needed to maintain a comfortable indoor temperature. “Big beard more beer money! Good boy!” THREE MONTHS LATER Roomie is taking 5-minute showers and has a beard down to his nipples, which are buried beneath five layers of wool. In several weeks he’ll be ready to learn the difference between bottles and plastic. Better stock up on treats, but what about use-o-holic people you don’t live with and are not married to? Be forewarned, they are the toughest of the bunch to convert. Living on the outermost of a person’s social circle, basic friends, acquaintances and total strangers are the least susceptible to green subversion, and sadly, are usually the ones that have to be let go when they refuse treatment. Without a binding lease or wedding vow, it’s really nobody else’s business if they wrap a bottle of Pennzoil in a plastic grocery bag, shove it into the empty loop of a six-pack-binder and throw the whole mess into a community duck pond. Actually that’s probably illegal, but the point remains the same. For all of the golden advice given here, there’s only so much a person can do to save the world before they begin to make it a less enjoyable place for others to live in. Sprinkle green seeds where they have a fighting chance to grow. But don’t expect a guy who likes to putz around in on old pickup to hang himself by a hemp rope when he hears a thesis on why the Prius is a stepping stone to weaning the world off its oil addiction and his rig makes the Indian from the old “Keep America Beautiful” commercial cry. These things take time, a little love and a whole lot of patience.